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A letter from November 7th, 2017

1. What am I thinking? - That Lisa, as stunningly beautiful as she is, would find someone better than me. That I am so attached to her, I would be emotionally devastated and crushed if anything between us happened in regards to infidelity. I would feel insignificant to be cheated on, to be worthless that someone could do this to me. This brings me back memories of my previous ex-girlfriend and how I treated her. I feel worthless and ashamed to even conjure up images like that. How could I possibly do that to such a lovely woman such as that? The sense of worthlessness carries over to the present, where I must admit I came into this new relationship bringing some baggage of my own anxieties and insecurities. I feel, already in this new relationship, that I am beginning to sabotage in the early stages. I feel that I am not worthy to be with my new girlfriend, that I have done too much unforgivable wrong. That I am nothing and worthless. I have even admitted to Lisa that I have cheated and sabotaged my previous relationship, and yet, she is willing to look past that and give me a chance. That is supposed to make me feel happy, but why do I feel even worse she is giving me a chance?

2. How realistic are your thoughts? - Somewhat unrealistic, as Lisa clearly has stated that she is willing to look past all my past wrongs and to give me a new chance. But there is still doubt in me, in her about everything she has said. Like nothing she say I can fully 100% trust. Everyone is trying to use or abuse you potentially one day. At least a small part of my dark soul whispers that to me. They are realistic if I continuously repeat these thoughts non stop in my head till they begin to seep out of my skin and into actions. Most of this talk is purely within my cranium. There is no doubt of the mistake that you had committed to your ex-girlfriend, but nothing will move forward if I continuously haunt myself with images of my past mistake.

b) What evidence is there to contradict your thoughts? - To be honest, I am finding it difficult to try find to contradict my actual "thoughts". Maybe it is because I have so lived and believed in my own tormenting of myself that I am struggling to find actual objective evidence to contradict these delusions. I got one. I seem to project my own insecurities onto Lisa. That my fear of her cheating, is actually my own capacity to cheat in the past. It would be advise I would be giving to myself if I dated, myself. That through Lisa, I mirror of images of my own worst qualities. I see myself, sneakily cheating behind my back, furtive about meet ups and distant in touch and communication, everything that I had previously, immorally done in my last relationship. Just because I cheat, does not necessarily mean that she will. She is a complete different person with a history and background and life experiences that are completely new and unique to anyone else. I cannot simply deduce and base an assumption of my own predictable actions onto her. I would not like it, if someone did that to me, so why would I do that to her?

3. If my thoughts are true, what is the worst case scenario? How bad will this be? What is the chance that this will happen? - The worst possible scenario, and that is, Lisa does cheat on me, finds someone else, or the relationship stales and drifts apart, then I will be back to square one. I will essentially be where I was before I came to Sydney. Single, on the prowl again for women, but armed with a knowledge that I have new lessons and experiences I can take into to the next relationship. I also have thoughts that she will be off with someone better than I am, that they are enjoying their time more and he can provide for her better. It will be emotionally crushing to already forecast that the relationship will sour or stale because of the distance affecting it. But this can only happen if I allow it to happen, if I do not continuously aim to keep in contact and make the odd trip down to Sydney to go see her. To be creative and innovative in the way we communicate and have something to look forward to.

4. What other alternative views are there? - That we can make this relationship work. That anything worth doing, is worth doing to the best till you have exhausted all resources and reserves, then can you say I am done here.

5. If your friend/loved one felt the same way you do, what advice would you give them? Would you think any less of them? - The advice I would give to the person feeling this way is:

We cannot control the future, nor predict it. Some events may be providenced to occur but to think we have the capacity to change it, is futile. The only think we can do, is to be the best person we can be, and that is to be truthful, just and loving with all your heart. If anything bad happened to you from her side, it will not be any cause by you but by her. Yes, it will hurt you but you can walk away holding your head high in achieving something you haven't done much before, to put someone before you in the relationship. Even if she did cheat on you, or the relationship staled, you have tried your best. So always try your best and give 100% of everything. To love openly and fully, to blindly go for it, because it is better to be loved and hurt than not to be loved at all. I would not think any less, but empathetic towards the person. We all feel insecurities at times, but it is more honourable to be open and try to understand it rather than bury and repress it.

Sent 1 month to the future, from November 7th, 2017 to over 1 year ago

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