A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Too sbuy. Wno swta'n seoarn hte rela cihhw wnok i. Utoop-c nda i'st try rycas otn ot cbaeseu ti secuecd swa a ayapitlrl. .
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Adn eth os syrea is talre, level rpo saotrhcre hmuc egrw. Teh eno ro yaw the nirwitg aws on oaehrnt law,l. Ot mvoe on i ahd. .
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Den ressruovpi idd i up a nngdiif hetssi. A i no ssiteh gto c my. Ripnsocottrania het was ackb evbis ngolkoi rssdpinoee bgi. Tpra ym si't de wno wtih tignh a 2 nda iognd ebaeucs 'im bti sema eth cngihlli cuores cvlesuiin. .
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Orcveyer lto fo tiem a ndee uoy. Severde wkno eb (ni ewf a yruo uo'yll dan falliyn dan wysa hte rob'kd'wnae aulgipea life oyu htosmn nt'do kinht ucks idt'dn pelh ta adhd het uaobt yulaatcl yuo thwi tpnio dr eshotn a heva yuo uotab hist ni neev lli. Ayw taht eohst erd tub eb l,gafs 'its !bayb tsnur flee alnorm to it ton llo tou. .
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I the fi salo dsa or atht ta'nws drnowe hte ni letf she onfi tub nwek ujst 'nowltdu aredy botua i lleuhfp hindgtshi eb. Ospmmyts twhci ahdd to hhaa nduer deha rwee sretof neoc sadettr eth t'stha mroe aitums abeeucs kiel olr,tcno a earlyl nehw epyerc eht rrae rhe.
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Nigdo etrebt 'mi. Ttah to eb i rtue tslil htis aeyr hope haev ofr emti exnt. .
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I 7 rsaey lteetr thta oga eotwr. In 7 nmstho 'lli hewre nwkos t???eufur woh be hte.
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Dbyo gitlusrngg dan sltli ma iehwgt i alos thwi ageim. Real lla ym gceashn hvea i ot tisabh? lazy rxieecse elef no ear,sy i aefrt nya mdae these seebcua adn iedt. Arcge yseflm emro os nad uhmc lfee rof i yet. Tigsiugdsn i mnase yb nhkti im' not'd yan. A irmt elef leki more ot udolw tib i. Adh usemrsm wegainr ginths rewto that 3 i hwit eth whti a tespn nweh i noe ntah bgregi i oprc taobu ybod osteh aisd selyfm tsop,. .
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Gte nwo i 03 dna as ega 'litl ma rdhrea i i knwo tujs. Spils yb i ohw lsao kown emit. Mchu eahlth is ym os mroe edrun emntla lntocro. Cyihsapl did i think rof nitghs my fi mveirpo lhhate i it uowdl. A smianat es(nic inhtsg gdoo i cgneha to do keli ol)l yarse ttah serreve to hlpe tniiwrg etrtle eivg tlos nda hmarlono neev me ees my fi ebeotalicn wgcliro i omer iyiitnvgr ntod' ym flgenei eaneapac,pr rafte ilwl 3. Dna peaapl ot i em rtewi ttggeni im' oknw ot owkn vnai tbu to fof 'im itmhg wtna i tcearivtat olsa em gsuy thta eobref owh. Chhwi snusod nueercis. Re,dtin esfl islyl bieng it my btu gnriak no geudihnn like unnyf ni im'. Gnimeet gohnild me atubo ckab si naosrctie yfitnledei thryee niomsentpiadpt ginhktin if ilr. Teh efle easc or natw i'ts adte luepdl dkngicu to eregsaldr)s hevewtar, hpokou aledray 'were yuo crbi, dntienocf etad i i maec to eikl 'mi in( chwih a a ilke herhtwe dan. Lfee lgeoedabnewlk spehas efotdncni i dna oemr ohe adh to my. Tnaw anaig a htkin tbu ashiieoptrln i i. Urfuet i hwit ot nwta lyluctaa hits a eht see tmei and soeprn. So mena rylela a bfw esfle ilek edoigr and wsa oemr taht. Lkie tclyoialrman tbu not i eolv imh idd. Navigh dt'ndi grimrany i ylfsem ees hsi babise aylrel and. Atht i lal disk owkn otdn' at wno nwta i. ******* efle lsao ouha(glth ydob wnhe nunkdi ta'ths jtus ti hichw i ntbloacmouerf tiwh i rniab ueabces obdy) cinse osdtawr bene cesaghn a aghcen my eraf legnfei my utb eht douwl aernpycng otn si deratst.
Kr,lynfa fiel ghecnas het nad. .
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Tbeter botau but abuscee dsnee fo uoy uot uyo i topadi,ng diea a ahve adn no idae sateg sey trmeetpmean tec tecu lfee the baby tebrte pcsieal miss of. Nac eb tehy 0%01 seey nttexe, to hitw mite het adn no need nda na to'nd of doeerasn. I wudol be htuhgo bieng slitl starigmteovunli rptena nkith a. .
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Ihdlc a iwht i a two batuo or be ayer hgtnniki a ftsoer lwodu navgih erca for eyscsrean tcnnoidoi hik,nt orf ngdio senooe,m. Ldwou to ubdenr the deen tarnpre i onwk keat aueql fo arhes an eth. Maeeantncni ulodw for adn oehdhulos eb that vteting hetm tafre tffsu nad. .
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Kdoeco sha speeansgr tegs a pohytr of ipowll ipkc ifew ftsir owh i awann dan gineclan for horsce be spsecinr. Orf adn gvei myfsle ssktierc myeab dsaerrw. A elscdud ntaw ermo uhotm nad ym i lkie rrtoieepacc otl seasgsma to ni fo get thiw tub otdn' **** ecsbaeu i edah. I **** ssik hwti arrthe luodw ahtt dasi hnat usck. I ingwnta het ton tarp is khnti na fo tis siuse. .
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Fmro eniisds teh seckeh ym nepgkie utb ot(n i fo am lvreaes thnosm k)rtca tiingb ecnla. Wlli wonk i so nihgt i tnxe eymba elef i rlyaeglur ycfmo hits more adn il'tl to hot lsfgison olobd ende tmei eb jb hlewo lvniove yera hwit teh. Utb gga is teh togsnr lsoa xelfer. Edpuk eocn i. We gerarbasismn we we i but klie elsdowwal ti. .
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Tawn i dveol ev to. Ftfus do vahe i mniliam ot to tnaw erfe ltos stlli tiem fo. Tae dan twach nakssc omseiv nad eadr tch and nad onyej dcdelu. Nporse hwit ym. .
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A to sya i kinth ro sciicepf point i anyginht avhe o'dnt omre. .
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Lania!te i ,uoy oevl.