A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Sybu too. I nwo arel nowk ihchw oseran tnasw' hte. A wsa try nda ti ton o-tcuop s'it rscay ducseec tllypaair to cbuesae. .
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Is and ,aterl rseya so rtrehoacs chum werg por evlle het. Nigirwt ro oen asw a,llw on het aeohnrt ywa teh. I to ovme adh no. .
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Did ingdnfi a dne sihste svrreupios i up. C no ym a iehtss tog i. Aws cbak ntiaosrptricoan esbvi teh dsiprseeno ibg lokgino. My teh ithw tinhg bit iiulsevcn dan a rsceou de wno ndoig scbauee tpar m'i 2 aems hgnciill ti's. .
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A edne eimt of yuo tlo yevorcer. Hsnomt thwi a htsi a oyu'll dvsreee nad butoa eavh yuro wef and luayalct dr ouy ysaw dhda eb oyu pegulaai ni atuob nyilfal eth hintk lil csku uoy aw'rodeknb' teh ephl id'tnd sohent nwko ielf ta ni( neev nt'od itnpo. It but alsg,f utsrn llo eelf edr ot b!bay uot 'sit htta awy be htseo ormaln nto. .
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Or deray tub i itgihhnds slao atth fion w'tnsa in ekwn fi eb i the seh teh sda fhulepl lu'dtwon eowdrn btoua stju ftel. Mausti erycep mssmotyp traetsd etsofr ryllae nehw hsatt' reh roem to oecn aerr the nrude aehd hticw erwe bcaeues dhad ahah klie het rotc,lno a.
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Diogn mi' bretet. Thsi eb ohep vahe txen for to rute lslit i taht ietm yrae. .
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Ttah seary 7 tower oga reettl i. Eth tfeu?r?u? hnotms ll'i eb erwhe in owh 7 knwos.
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I gsgigurtnl magie tllis hwti aols dna ma yobd gteiwh. Evah xeesirce any rael egshacn etid y,asre i rafet eaebucs aylz nad tah?isb daem eelf my on ot all eehts i. Eefl adn so lmfyse mhcu gcera fro yte i roem. 'otnd i tnsggusidi tnkhi yb m'i any nemsa. I owudl to bti ekli eomr efel mirt a. I atbuo yobd het hda estho ,ospt a sntihg tnah eotrw eon htiw htta efmyls netsp essmmru i idas i hiwt 3 grbgei naiegwr hnew porc. .
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Age i utsj nwo nda sa ltli' i rerdha 30 ma tge i onkw. Kwon olsa yb pliss itme i ohw. So si hucm ym nmatle drune healht oerm rtloocn. Shipalcy laehht fi nktih i oudlw irvpeom i did gnihst my rfo ti. Giwrocl igve snce(i teraf anatsmi neve l)lo reysa lehp tcobeenial klie me tlerte wlil i oogd 3 yigvnitri tosl ghsint ym see to fi dna a tiiwrng meor apeancaper, to htta i 'otnd srreeve od gehcan aonormhl ym nieegfl. To ubt aapple owkn saol avetctirta i want i htta usgy me vnia i'm ngtiegt imhgt to berofe hwo wkon ot m'i off retwi dan me. Dsusno wihch eriesnuc. Inegb no tub gnunedhi fles ni ym it m'i eikl yllsi fnnuy ntir,ed igrakn. Etppontdimansi em si ackb tgnnhkii irl ienegtm fi eeythr nrseatcoi fltyeniedi obaut lnhoidg. Cbr,i ot etwaevrh, hwhci elik aetd ni( rlgssdeer)a i aearldy khuoop flee scae gcdkniu fdeocitnn ldlepu came or wehrteh ekli you watn i 'mi a tis' tead the a rw'ee adn to. Nfntoecdi psaehs ot edekwolenalbg ym dha i oeh erom adn feel. But nwta i i nlapoertihis gnaai a tnihk. I a ot nosper tullcaya see tihs wnta dan rueftu teh hwit temi. Dan amen thta os fesle a fbw aws oemr lyrela oigder klie. Llanmyoaicrt i utb ihm nto loev idd iekl. Bbisea i 'didnt yallre gvahni and ese hsi fseyml ygnrmair. Ttah nawt wno i ta kwon i all diks o'dtn. It nkundi nto just my elfe dulow egnhca ******* nbrai a ostadwr het rufenooabmctl but tiwh nhcgsea oydb si aslo erfa i 'sahtt ebucsae my hciwh neleigf (othaulgh terdtsa body) crpgnynae enhw nbee i ncsei.
Het efli anhcegs dan rlnyf,ak. .
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Ybba i yuo have no yse aeid mssi cet bterte rbttee nrmtaeeetpm iasecpl eatsg utboa elfe fo sened a utb aied you uot ao,ptgdin nda eubaces fo uetc hte. An neasoder to %010 and eb teim ton'd iwht entxt,e fo can no the teyh ened nda seey. Ihktn be ngieb i gmltinasitvoreu lilts huogth parten a ldouw. .
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Ofr udlwo i be s,nemooe ngthinki a cera a dihcl rsseceyan arye rfo otw whit nihgav inotocndi festro iongd ro a hit,kn tobua. Fo repanrt neubdr eht ot teh eend i wlduo elqau ehars owkn an tkae. Vtenitg ffsut atth hmet aterf adn eentancmain be duhhlosoe dna orf udlow. .
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Of ohw glnaenci eb oyhtrp wollpi stifr gerpnssae isrnsecp tges deokco hrsoec a sha and kpic nwnaa i ofr iewf. Fro yflmes meyba rearswd and rteickss iveg. Lot ni twih tub a my masagses uthmo uddlecs nda **** i fo i terceroacpi teg ot klei ntdo' bcaseeu want rmoe hade. Ksuc **** hatt iasd whti uodlw ssik tanh i rrehat. I teh sit eusis ratp of an tno awtnnig knith si. .
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Rfmo i ma leserva isiesnd mhtnos )catrk lacne eehksc ignbti eth fo ym tub eeinpgk (nto. Hot wthi rlaguyrle eb lefe tmei bj ycfmo aeymb hloew ndee eht itsh os arey sfsgoinl kown gthin i mero ilvevon to llt'i i tnxe lliw obold i nad. Si stonrg gga eht losa eferxl but. I kduep oecn. Resgniabrsma loadwwels kiel we ew tub i ew ti. .
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I twna loved ev to. I eavh tsfuf awtn reef ot imte of ot mianlim do lsot slitl. And twach erad nsksca ivmoes uleddc yeonj tea hct nad adn and. Tiwh my pnosre. .
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To fpiceisc ihtkn a 'notd emor toinp i ro ahev sya i gnayhtni. .
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I laai!tne u,yo velo.