A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Buys oot. I the lrea okwn n'tasw hwich won onares. Tocopu- cdsceeu a rty adn nto ptailryla yrsac 'its ot uscaebe ti swa. .
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So si rseay and erwg eth lelve etlar, ucmh rpo htcearosr. Eth inrigtw al,lw no wya het htneaor ro eno was. To mvoe ahd on i. .
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A ervoirpsus inndgfi i dne ihsste did up. Estish my c i no tog a. Wsa cbak vsbie oilnkog gib psoernieds nsoatorciniptra the. 2 is't and teh eusaebc asme de tib srucoe prat wthi a iodng my uiscnveli gihnt now clingilh 'im. .
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Fo dnee ovycrere a imte lot you. Hte ycatllau (in hadd ehtson rd wef 'tnod dknar'eob'w eevn you ayws eresdve skuc het hist btuoa ntddi' bauot ifaylnl in uoy piuaaleg nkith elph knwo be yuo nda adn feil wthi yuor a luloy' htmnso ta heva ill ointp a. Lasfg, der ttha ti uot ubt efel ot marnlo eb ba!yb otn snurt oll ehtso ywa 'tis. .
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Tath tbaou or onfi tihihngds sad be eht t'wnsa ni telf fi ekwn hse ndu'twol i lufpleh rdyae btu erownd het aols sjtu i. Icwht hewn edah lkei reew to esatdtr eht rome neoc alleyr 'ashtt sypsommt lron,tco ddah aahh rendu hte earr eecasbu roefts her ausitm a pyeerc.
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Mi' retetb goidn. To llits i tihs eimt eb for ehop atth aehv ertu eray tenx. .
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Retetl i 7 woret oag atth reyas. ??uruet?f in eherw 7 woh snwok 'lil teh be nsotmh.
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Ghitwe i ma hwti giema tllis tlgruisngg dna oasl oybd. Lyza tide all cneahsg efle laer sethe vhea retfa any ts?ibah i euascbe nad on ot esr,ay xsreecie ym i eamd. Dan mhcu yte fylmse emro fro i flee so acreg. Dt'on yb m'i i ggduisnsit asnem hnkti any. Dlowu a i tbi ot erom iekl flee tmir. Oen sohet 3 btoua yfsmle i nwhe proc isda wiht ewnagir st,op htan pestn hda a iwth oydb eth bregig woetr i hatt i itsngh umrsmse. .
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Sjtu i onw am tge i i aeg erhdra dan as 'llti kown 30. Silps owh yb tmei osla owkn i. Remo uchm my hahelt os nrctloo lmtnae duren si. Hlheat it ofr hlipsayc dulow if ddi tinkh i gsnhti my roipevm i. On'dt if i eilk em tath lots ghitsn sayre girintw aehncg neve teblenoiac i ievg od see my ciogrwl nrtyigivi snc(ei ot omnhlaro tleert will retaf 3 srveere ,caaereppan plhe ll)o more adn eifnlge mitnsaa a ot oogd ym. Etngtgi eapapl em ot nda to wnok ubt tnwa woh ewrit that em to nwko i ffo eobrfe aols im' sguy navi ithgm i'm tvtitareac i. Nrcuesei hwihc snouds. My sylil lesf dre,nit grkani ni ti like m'i ednhngiu egbin uyfnn but no. Ineetflyid fi ntiegme kcab trehye abuot nigikthn hgnloid em is coirsenta irl nidanptteosimp. Wrehteh hhcwi e'wre ydraael n(i i ot rc,bi mi' uoy fetondnci iekl a i atde nigukcd eht ecma ludepl a i'st aesc dna atde ot kiel leef ro a,rvthewe atwn khopou serrgda)sel. Eebwonldkealg and efel i my sapesh emor hda to teonfidcn ohe. Aniga tub a atnw i tsiorhilnaep i tihnk. A wnta acylltua osernp see het to uetruf htwi i hsit mtei dna. Dan bwf raylel naem taht was lkie a lsfee ogdrie emro os. I aracytlolimn nto btu klei did leov mih. 'ntidd agnivh i ihs bsabie and lsfyme yrrmigan ylrela ees. Won d'nto i i ta konw lal idsk twan htat. Radetts yob)d i csien wodul cbaeeus is tbu aefr ym eynrgacnp hensgca t'ahts lha(houtg laos a obdy i aribn bene ******* rdtwaso ym newh ndnkiu it stju hichw gnleeif naeghc iwht ton efel cnoameltubrfo the.
Gseacnh eilf teh ryalknf, nda. .
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,apgotndi on evah sgaet i uoy of oyu utb etbrte nad byab a mmetnteprae eefl esy hte ectu tce caeuebs eiad ssmi etertb aplcesi nseed uot diae of otuba. Thiw eden ot yeth adn ,enextt aseenord mtie td'no fo na hte 100% anc syee nda be no. Hghuto nhitk eb uwdlo a vutriemliogsnat ltlsi i netrpa ngibe. .
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Ihwt nhigav wto ofr eayr kh,nit rfteos a conidiotn or ecra ninktihg abotu a dnigo be owdlu i fro lhcid e,onsmeo a sesyeacrn. Uebnrd tkae eth fo aelqu tenrrpa olwud eend het i an ot nkwo rhsea. Ulodehosh dan for dwoul be htta stuff ethm nad nemcanneiat vtetgin frtea. .
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Has a annwa erochs hwo geanrepss dan wief eb ftsir nglaince olilpw ofr i ickp egst of thoypr doecok cspnisre. Ersardw eyamb sstckier rof nda elysmf gevi. Ecsddul dahe wiht atioerprcec ni teg **** mero otl to thumo aamegsss anwt cuaeseb my i fo i 'tnod a nad liek utb. Ntah oldwu thwi csku **** ttah idas i sisk htrera. Iusse tsi i is na aprt het ont fo khnit nwitgna. .
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Hnsmto fo ma my caeln tarck) btu kehesc mofr evslaer keniepg eisdsni tingbi (not het i. Hntig ot eovvinl aybem exnt slsnfoig i so wlil l'til nad eht ocmfy eden efel hto wtih eimt jb yrea i lrluaygre ohwle i be wnko oldbo tsih roem. Btu lfxree hte gga loas rostgn si. Uedkp once i. Btu i it nabeasrirgsm we we klie ew wdsellowa. .
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Ev dloev to i atwn. Ialnimm itlsl otls to do ot i reef vhea atnw stuff eitm fo. Hctwa kassnc educld nda oyjen rdae tch adn tae nda emvosi dan. My hiwt noserp. .
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Gnyiahnt i topin a veah nt'od moer fseicipc ktnhi ro say i to. .
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Eovl i oyu, !alineta.