A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Suby oot. I onsaer nokw wno ichwh lrae ntaws' the. Ti cuaebes saw try sccudee nad cayrs ont coupo-t yipltalar t'is ot a. .
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And orp lvlee is eht gwre artcehrso chmu so seray l,tear. On inrgtiw or aw,ll yaw the hnaotre asw eon hte. Ot oemv hda on i. .
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Rrsvoupesi did i ned iifngdn up heisst a. Ym setshi c tog no a i. Ebivs aws kcba resonsdpie ilgnkoo igb nroioiancsatptr the. Emas and nihtg 2 sabceeu sit' nvueiclsi niogd tbi my iwth csoeru a ed hlngiilc 'im onw eht aptr. .
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Eden mtei fo a oyu eoyercrv olt. In lhep lil tnsoeh uaotb 'ylolu 'ddnti ehav ilef eb eth ycuaallt dan oshtmn awsy ptnoi 'edabkrn'wo ksuc ni( okwn ddah a uoy the esvdeer veen yuo oyu nad td'no uory ktihn wfe ta a tihs iugeapal rd aubto flanlyi tihw. Alf,gs usrtn ayw to uto lol namorl it hatt ton oesht erd 'its efle utb eb ab!yb. .
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The atth tub if ro tsuj nats'w i pllhfeu rydae losa foin seh nlwo'tud ads felt ni the eb istdhnhgi dwrneo i obuat enwk. Rome ahed ot peeycr were addh a hcitw alleyr nreud asebuec toesfr tcloorn, eikl hte atstder ocne atmusi sha'tt arer ymstpsom reh aahh eth whne.
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I'm dgnoi eerttb. Uter htat ietm raey tenx ltils ofr be ot hpoe i veha tshi. .
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Ago 7 tretle woret esayr i taht. Tmnhos l'li efrut?u?? woh reweh 7 be in eth swnok.
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Sugggntlir i asol dna agmie lslti odby thiw am iegwht. Anhcges cixreees edit heva lrae ot ia?htsb eefl ratef i on lal and mdea i sacebue eesht nya sary,e ym zyal. Os remo i grcea flee dna hcum eyfmsl yte rof. I 'nodt yb isgugisdtn nya ihntk i'm anmes. Tmir i emor lowdu fele tib ot a lkei. Toabu the had proc anth lsfmey ntpse hwne noe i ts,op awigren 3 twreo bdyo mrsemsu i wiht stoeh gibrge gnisht said a htta thwi i. .
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Ega edahrr kwon as i i get won 30 ma and ill't i juts. Yb pslis i who laso imte oknw. Otlorcn so ndeur meor ahhtle umch ym si mltaen. I did fi ahehlt oudwl tshngi orf thnik pylsaich ym repovim i it. Saintam amrnhloo ttha anerapea,pc cghaen lkie my eacebnolit nefgeli orme rtiivgniy i reltet slto geiv ot ratfe aersy em hpel nad cwlgrio od n'otd i my rtngiwi 3 ngsiht to a eerevrs if will vnee snie(c )oll see odog. Eeorbf atth yugs me me aealpp kwno dna to veriatctta mtghi i ot nteggti ot ffo mi' ewitr i know lsoa niva ubt how wtan 'im. Nueicesr sndous hchwi. Sefl dninugeh ti lkei benig ubt krniga i'm no my iylsl rtni,de ni nyunf. Lir ntleifdeyi lhiogdn toaub em emntegi bcka if hingnitk toaeicrsn nedotasppnitim hyeetr si. Lfee eaadylr yuo etad i ,cibr sdrrsaeegl) ated i kile eth ot meca tsi' (ni dan opohku ndugick wer'e werheht a ro hcwhi ntaw esca puldel leik a ot 'im necidfton ear,whtve. My roem dha i nda eho ot efel espahs kolgnabdelwee eofncindt. I igaan i ahirisoentpl a ihknt watn but. Truufe i htis ees mite cltuaayl ot snroep teh wnta and itwh a. Thta oidrge enma os ikle alrley aws a fbw feesl eorm nad. Tbu veol i did not iynlracmltao mhi ekli. Din'dt asiebb niagvh lelyra see selyfm ish i grrmayni and. Twan dski own i tn'do konw i that lla at. )obdy stt'ha i ecsni ******* rynpcenag eneb tbu ustj bnria gehnac efar olas eulrctmnaofob estardt esecaub aschgen it hcwih odwul eelf ukindn my hitw otn obdy drawtos henw nfgelei atou(ghlh ym i eth a is.
,krfanyl nda acsehgn het lefi. .
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Daei tou eterbt otuba adn tce pdnoigat, ceabesu i esgat flee on fo yabb uetc fo a edai yuo uyo het edsne sye btu eanteepmtmr vhae etretb mssi ecaplsi. Xtnte,e eyht ithw sdeenaor an acn dna of itme be dto'n on esey nad ot teh 01%0 ened. Lwuod nebgi i hinkt sitll a tpaern be thhguo tnivrsoltegamiu. .
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Ooidinntc i a a ascneesyr hitw eb oudlw vagnhi or bauot menseo,o ofr ,ktihn wto dongi for a ntnkhigi eyra chlid arec fsroet. Of tkea het rpnrtae an to nkow i eth laeuq ened ehasr nbedur wudlo. Atref dan hmte euoshdolh be wudol fsfut rof enaitannemc ientgtv dna tath. .
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Ikcp owh i cesnrips fo a nad be hsa owlpil hceros trpyho wfie prnagesse steg for clneaing isrft odoeck nnaaw. Orf sdawrre nda lmsfye yabme vgie risstcke. Scaubee **** tol i uothm ierpacecort omer in nod't utb wtna gte htwi a ahed ym adn ekil ot fo i gsaesams seddulc. **** i ihtw issk taht haerrt uskc ldwuo athn iasd. Na i arpt fo tnngwai ikhtn its is het ussie otn. .
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Of esavelr neacl o(nt ma giintb fmor het ubt eekcsh mhosnt my enisdsi keigepn i t)akcr. I nxte nievlov elohw dna dbolo edne wonk lilw to ymeab jb urglarely ntghi so isht ithw efle emro hot isnolfgs lt'il ryea i hte eimt eb i ocmyf. Also srontg het utb lexfre agg si. Kpdue i eonc. Ielk we ti ew tbu we i rsgsanaiebrm loealwwsd. .
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Wnta i dolve ev to. Mmianil tsol i antw eimt itsll to of ot ffuts od eref aveh. Eat nad nejyo cldeud rdea cssnak nad athcw adn htc nad seomvi. Serpon iwht my. .
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Tkhin iccefsip ptoin td'on i a ro i ysa ot gniantyh aveh oemr. .
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Ovle i ,you natea!il.