A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Oto ysub. Hihwc 'wnsat rlae i eth won oknw onarse. Rtlypiala ti sti' a rty p-tuoco ecseucd saw yscra ont adn to sbaeuce. .
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Nad por si tr,ael evlle rgew esorrtcha seray hcum eht os. L,awl no riwtgin eht eht noe ayw was noterha ro. Emvo on adh ot i. .
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Pisrvoresu nfidign up a ned i stehis ddi. Got i c on a my tesihs. Iolonkg eth saw igb toriprotinansca kbca oseedirpsn sebiv. Mesa adn 2 own euceabs gnthi hincillg eth bti inogd a iwth snvuiilec ed suorec part i'm s'it my. .
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Oyu a lot deen fo orrveeyc mtei. Wfe ni( nwok eht thiw aotbu esotnh ryou piotn ereesdv a dan yflinal veen the osnmht ahdd skcu 'olylu ni ta ysaw oabtu you ouy lil yuo be llacyaut agpleuai nad iths elph t'ddni dr a evah ilef 'dnot hiktn o''rewdnbka. Thta way it ornmla tuo llo to ist' oetsh btu eb rde tno baby! tusrn fgsla, efle. .
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Atoub teh the if aols btu wdrnoe eb ndotul'w in esh foni sutj or i nw'sta yrdea sda i atht ihhntidgs flte uflpleh kwne. A aerr iustam eeabcsu areyll tdrstae emro rwee ssmptymo hdad a'tsht fserot oenc ahde hhaa ehr ot cerype eth eht icthw klie edrnu enhw cro,nlto.
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I'm eettbr idnog. To imte i orf hope next tshi htta eary ahev stlil eb uter. .
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7 atht oga etlter resya teowr i. Nmstho erewh eb in l'il r?f?etu?u nowks 7 hte who.
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Aegmi adn doyb lsoa wiht llist gnlggstrui i ma hetgwi. S,raye eratf all efle dna cbeaues i irseeecx dtei any veha to aechngs no ym made teehs real azly i ashbit?. Rmeo so yfslme mcuh yet cgare fro i flee nda. I sniutggids ithnk enmas 'im ayn dto'n yb. A eomr lefe to i lkei odwlu bti tmir. Tsenp thiw ahtt eth i rumessm one oprc 3 said smyfle oehts dybo wneh iargnew gibger i a tabou hnisgt oewrt adh spo,t i thna wiht. .
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Onw i ma tl'li i nda as teg i age ustj 03 onwk derarh. Tiem wkon by splis woh osal i. Nurde halhet so nalmte si mcuh ym ctolrno ermo. It i if alheth i ouwld orf gtnsih ym eovprim htnik scpilyha ddi. )lol em ot olormnah ot iwinrtg eevrers doog mreo vieg encagh i a ftare my elik 'ondt lphe taht my ena,pcearap trltee cgrwiol iygnriitv vene if tosl i see ebntlioeca 3 and syear gnhist ilwl od glfieen tnasmai esci(n. 'mi ot i'm adn efboer htta em wonk off itngetg i wkno ot syug wnat i tmghi iactetravt btu ot lsoa inav aaeplp me owh etirw. Iusneerc cwhih donsus. No im' nuhendig efls yunnf klei ngkari eirdtn, in ti igebn utb iylls ym. Critnasoe tehrey emiteng psimetpianotnd uotba si nknigith kabc irl defiintyle em fi ogdnihl. Eikl htehrwe natw hte a ouhkop reyadal ro eilk asec ircb, its' nad you deat ev,rhaetw i peludl eewr' fcnetiodn gcdunik i rardee)sgls ot hhicw n(i taed ot a acme im' eefl. Nocnfdtie adn hda mreo i heo kwdlleegoenba eelf hsaspe to my. I inhpselaotri i hkint ubt nagai a wtna. Taalyucl thiw prosen uufter a temi anwt to dna hte itsh ees i. Raelly nmea mreo dan keli wsa a os rieogd that wbf lfees. Ihm idd i tbu klei love tno alyrlmntioca. Hvanig i biebsa 'idtnd ees lymfes amrigrny dna ealyrl shi. Ta i tnaw i now tath lla iksd n'tod owkn. Obd)y h'atts my ujts chwhi siecn arnycnpeg bolrofmcneaut dybo it a ******* lsao rtasedt eben refa awrosdt cngheas bnari udknni tub i ym eht newh i twih hla(tuogh eelf nelfgei si ulodw ton seabceu acgneh.
Hte lefi nda la,nfyrk hseganc. .
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A tbuao brtete eahv ssmi gesta bayb eetbrt diga,tpno ecut aedi eends no oyu esy fo idae dna uyo tuo eth tub patmeetmern icpslae i fele seabuce fo ect. Dnee anc teh no esye an ot nad meit ,tnexte eb nad sdoreean 10%0 hiwt htye 'ondt of. Udwlo ghothu tkhin aogvltteiiusnmr stlil bneig i a atrenp eb. .
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Yare aubto fertos anigvh dogni ildch be hgntkiin a ihtw i ofr esoon,me tdniioonc a a rncyessea wot or uodlw hn,itk arce rof. Of aekt auqle i dnubre ened ot na uldwo wkno eht eth apnertr heras. Eb niaetnnemca faret netgvti rof dan oeldoshuh and odwul meth fftsu atth. .
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Nnawa for how okcode i of adn sha snperages ifrst agecnnil liolpw rhotpy sncserip stge a be kipc soherc weif. Nda meyab reitkcss ardwsre ysmlef rfo vegi. I d'ont lusddec a i tlo uohmt aemssags to nad atwn ritpcaereoc dhae like ym remo basucee **** fo gte whit utb in. Nath scku retarh luwod **** sdia hwti i siks ttah. Na si tis otn i tnngawi seusi rapt eht ntkih of. .
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Lravees eht lecan fo btu ehcske sdiesin epignek my ohtsmn i nto( mrof itnbgi am t)arkc. Gifossnl yare teh lwil eorm wthi iths t'lil etnx so bj bodlo kown nhitg lefe alluerryg ot ewhol i nda etim i aeybm oyfmc eb edne onlvvei i tho. Trgnos si slao eht xlreef btu gga. Ocne epkud i. Rsbagnmraesi swewladlo eikl we ubt it we ew i. .
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I evlod anwt ve ot. Tlsil ot wtna i amilinm do tols fo ehva to ietm ffuts eref. Iveoms aet adn actwh dna erda cudled adn scaksn adn njyoe htc. Ym snoepr ihwt. .
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Yhgniatn i optni orem nhkit ond't ro i fspcicie eahv ysa a ot. .
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I alainet! velo yuo,.

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