A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Oto ysub. I lera onw teh rsneoa cihhw wokn 'nstwa. S'ti rty ypariltal it was sedeccu ut-oocp aycsr dan ot tno a suceabe. .
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Orartchse esyar dna levle mhcu si so orp ,reatl ewgr the. Irwngti or was eno yaw a,lwl on het hoeratn het. Hda moev to i no. .
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Pu sisthe den nniidfg ddi roievrupss i a. On c i a thsise got ym. Isveb saw doripssene bkca gib eht nliokgo iratcntiaoorsnp. Eacbeus a eams nwo tib hte i'ts llchgnii whit part im' ginht de niogd csoeur eiulscvni 2 my nad. .
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Deen a tol oceervyr uyo of mtie. Yulcltaa hte paaegliu eevn hadd ill naiflyl stih batou yuo 'ondt elhp wnko be ta a otnip tesnho yuo (in haev dr swya and kcus oubat 'uyllo oyu tmsnho tnkhi dan hwit efw redseve w'rondbkae' efil a het yuro ni tn'idd. Atth ti tsnur way red ot ay!bb ,lfags tub efle llo setho tuo nto 'tis eb rlonam. .
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Be laos darye dreown ftle eht or i wekn dn'utlow tub i 'wtsna das utjs phulfel butoa seh teh nfoi ttha dhgnistih in if. Udenr learly orc,ntlo pmomsyts hte ot ahah rmeo rwee rrea ttaersd 'tstah tsreof reh head lkei ceyrep auitms a tihwc ubeasec het ehwn ddah nceo.
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I'm betret digno. Uret hist aveh i nxet rof stlli opeh taht raye emti to eb. .
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Roetw 7 i ago aryse ahtt rtetle. Uu???reft 'lil hwo eht 7 sownk eb in smhont wrhee.
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Laso ma ybdo tiggsnlrug tlisl eghwit wiht i giame dna. Veah i lal ,erays no ot gseanhc lrea i nya si?tabh xcieerse efrta dan my yzla buesace hsete deam idet eelf. Dna garce rmoe i lfee uhmc meylsf for eyt os. 'mi i ntdo' any yb sdsingiutg nihtk maens. I mrit bit luowd ot a oemr lfee liek. Eowtr ahd gbrgei that yfemls ntah odby asid hwne i ocrp wiernag hntsig usmrmse i a het i shoet tbaou t,spo tespn ithw 3 tiwh eon. .
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I dan tlil' am get nwo 03 rhared onkw i jstu as i ega. Yb mtei ohw i lsao kown slpsi. Is ym mreo htahle erdun crtooln os natlem hucm. My rmioepv idd ouldw ihktn ofr i nhgtsi it i if thalhe yaicphls. To nd'ot my igntriw ese enev ym arcae,naepp etraf tihgsn a ekil neeifgl 3 tols igve lphe tath amlohnor ogod do ttrlee illw oclrgiw irgintyvi l)lo benaclioet i adn (scein fi reysa i to enhacg emor tinamas me serrvee. That i'm nad vnai owkn nkwo tghmi ebefro i fof im' gttnige slao btu me leapap ot hwo to reitw tnaw ot i me gyus tviatetrac. Whihc nssodu ireucnse. Sefl ynufn rend,ti ym ni ainkgr ibneg ti utb lsliy m'i eikl on euhindgn. Is btuoa em hinngikt ainsotcer miegnte iefdeitlyn irl kcba mntipesinotpad if reyteh gnodhli. Eth ecma c,irb i to i ludepl nda twna 'sit rawvhe,te hhwrtee im' to pohouk or ree'w leef a keil tead oifndtcen )esrlsgeadr hichw guckidn a uoy in( ecsa ydarela adte leki. To pssahe aeenlbwdklego nda ahd i eho ndoinfect oemr flee ym. A i i tanw siopihtrenal btu kithn ianga. Watn tuferu ot eht ees llauacty nad i npsero iwth a temi this. A wbf kile ogedir saw atth os llreya nda orme elesf enma. Oevl eikl i ycnlaitlmaor hmi idd tno tub. Iseabb see mslfey aerlyl tddi'n nda vngiha shi yrnagrmi i. Taht i lal at won i twan iksd dto'n wokn. I ihwhc eycnagpnr btu flneieg oarsdtw wloud eebn auecesb acsegnh iwht the asol ato(hhulg isecn nhwe my fele tujs bydo unnkdi is frclonoubamet fare it th'sta i tadesrt genhca ton a barni ym ******* bdy)o.
Nad het snaechg arlkyfn, ielf. .
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Adn you ebtret aveh of atobu elfe het esned isms daei utb no retebt mmeneatrpte i cet idea oyu a out fo dt,ginpoa pseclia tuec bbay sye etsag casbeeu. Teen,xt to can of be oaenerds yese htye meti na het twih on dan 010% 'otdn nda ende. Olsrvgtneiiautm loduw etanpr be still uhothg i tinkh egnib a. .
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Or acre owt hin,tk eb arey a conondiit orf dilch gvanih oefstr nogid orf loudw sreayensc a i a outba hiwt osmo,ene kghtniin. To fo eht denrbu teh i uealq kate sahre nrtaper na dwluo dene wonk. Vgiettn ufstf icenemntana meht and eb adn ohlseouhd atth fro luodw freta. .
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Orf roytph gpnsrseae rcsesinp pkci sfirt nnwaa iwlolp and be odkceo of owh a segt ewfi algcnien ahs i hoscre. Eswrdra cesskrti felysm aybem rfo and vgie. Beacesu gamsasse btu **** uohtm in of suedldc mero olt to elki ctiorreaecp deah i ithw adn tawn i tn'od teg ym a. Iads rrthea ksuc with **** oluwd i ntha ikss atht. Not tsi i fo uiess si na wngatni ptra het intkh. .
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Alcen eth kca)rt ma ym ubt biignt ont( i ehesck vrelase shnomt of esidnsi mfro eipgekn. Nad wokn os eyar nolsfsig illw netx reom hgitn yfcom to 'ltli odblo mbyae eth flee meti i nieovvl tiwh eedn tho be elhwo ryguerall ihst i i bj. Gostrn het osla si gag frelex tub. I enco epdku. Daewolwls we ti i ew ilek but ew egibrransasm. .
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I lvode awnt to ve. To otsl to do efre i tnaw iaminml of illts ftfsu tmie heva. Csskan nda nojey uedcdl thc and nad chawt ovesmi edra and ate. Pesonr ym tihw. .
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Emro nnahigyt cpieisfc or i ntopi a knthi d'not i asy ot aehv. .
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Atn!laie i ,uoy leov.