A letter from June 13th, 2017

For Andrew: I've been terrible at taking my medication, making me overly moody when I'm by myself, so this should be a version of me you're very used to by now. I think about you more than I'd admit to myself, let alone you. I still can't believe it really happened. Over and over again, but I have to give you credit. Your tenacity was nothing if not admirable, romantic at least. I have to move on to what I have to say next before I lose you as an audience. You have always done your best. It wasn't always THE best, but it was everything you could do. Thank you. You are the only one who ever meant anything to me. And I'm not saying this to you in some sort of attempt to win you over (and over and over) again. I think you deserve to hear it, and I hope this gives you the tiniest bit of nostalgia. And, you did tell me you loved the way I wrote. The truth is, I was probably in love with you. It's hard to tell now, but I certainly wasn't aware of it at the time. In fact, I was actually afraid you were in love with me. And honestly, I can't figure out why that's so scary to me, I never could. I know you knew I was afraid. So you swore you weren't, and I'll never know a lot of things past that. I'll never know why you tried so hard even when I wasn't trying at all. Did you think I was worth it? Was I? I'm sorry if this all seems very self-centered. You see, I'm trying to piece together those mysteries I left lying around instead of solving them, and after all, you were first. This means everyone that comes after, I'll always compare to you. And I do. I still do. So I'm sorry for thinking you have all the answers, but I feel like I need a few before I go any further. There are things I know you know about me, that I still can't figure out. I love you. I'm always gonna love you. Admitting that to myself was difficult and unexpected, but necessary. Truthfully, I know that whatever I felt for you last year is gone. But there's always going to be something there, something else. Some form of fondness you don't get rid of. The memories I have of you are warped and most likely inaccurate. Mostly I think about the bad parts, the confrontations and the silence, the mistakes and the endings. But there were good parts. Every time I was close to you, that was exactly where I wanted to be. You were warm, and a safe place. You would give me butterflies. Andrew, I always thought you were so beautiful. I couldn't believe how lucky I was sometimes. And then, as I'm sure you remember, I forgot. If there's one thing you need to know, it's that I am honestly sorry. I know that it's my fault. I want to own up to that. I never tried near as much as you did. I didn't give as much as you did. I gave up on you, and I gave up on myself. And I guess I gave up on us. And I'm sorry for never treating you like you were worth the effort, because you never let me forget. In the end, we weren't right for each other. Sometimes that's how it goes. And no one's been right for me since, but you're the closest there's ever been. But it's okay. We have to accept as people that it's okay when things don't work out. It wasn't healthy, the way I pushed you away just to miss you right after. I would miss you so much. But you were always still there, still willing and ready. I love and thank you for that. I don't want you to feel like it was something you were wrong to do. Through and through, you did such an amazing job, I couldn't have asked anyone to deal with the kind of things I put you through. I know I was ****. I know it. I hope this puts us on better terms, gives the both of us some closure. I'm still trying to figure it out, but I won't make the mistake of giving up again. I hope you can figure it out. I hope you get what you want. I hope you get the appreciation you deserve. I hope you don't hate me. It dawned on me that I don't want you to remember me the way you remember Rachel. It's been almost an entire year since the last time we spoke. I don't remember what was said. But listen, I don't regret you, I could never. I just wish I could've been better to you. Best wishes, Becca