A letter from March 3rd, 2015

Dear FutureMe, ten years from now you'll be 35. Thirty-five. They say your current age is the most beautiful time of your life, I wonder if that's correct. When you're reading this, you'll know. I do wonder if you have kids by now. Right now I cannot imagine what that will be like, having kids. Do they look like you? Are they cute? You want to have kids, so I hope you'll have 'em in 10 years. What I wonder even more: with who? Who will be your baby daddy? Is it who we hope? You can't be with him, don't be with him, unless he is clean and sober. If you are with him now and things haven't changed: leave. You deserve a healthy partner, that's why you ended things with him in November. Please tell me you stuck to your promise. You don't believe it yet, but it was the right choice, really. He's a great man but it can't be like this. You deserve so much more than trying to save someone who's beyond saving. Never forget that. Have some self-respect. Remember: it's not about what you want, it's about what you deserve. You said you wanted to be a single mom at 30, but I'm positive you will find someone before that time, whether it's him, or someone else. I don't think you're a single mom right now, at least, not by choice. But maybe I'm wrong, who knows. Anyway, don't marry that friend you made a pact with. You don't like him like that. You don't. There is one thing that I do hope: I hope you live in the mountains when you're reading this. I can't stress this enough, but you belong there. You know you do. It's your home. And I know you hate German, but you're probably fluent in it now. You might not have chosen the easiest path, but I admire you for your decisions nonetheless. Right now you have chosen this path. Who knows how things will be in 10 years. Maybe you're at a complete different place right now. Maybe you're single with 30 cats (remember how Bob was there first). Maybe you never even left the country. Maybe you're married now, with 5 kids and a 6th on the way. For me, there's no way to tell. But you, you know. Maybe you're sick right now, or dead. There is one thing I want to advise you. If you did not live your dream, do it now. Today. On your 35th birthday. Follow your heart. If the mountains are your dreams, go there. Stay. Be happy. Today the mountains are your dreams, but maybe you got completely different dreams at the moment. Doesn't matter, when you read this and you didn't follow your dreams, do it. Do it for PastMe, who is so full of hopes and dreams right now. Do it, baby. Promise me. As curious as I am about the future, the only way I can find out about it is by living my life and fight through the bad times. Maybe he and I will never be together again. Maybe he'll never give up on his addictions for me, and he'll perish. Who knows who I have yet to meet, maybe someone far greater will come into my life and I will finally forget about this one. When you're reading this you know, but there's no way to tell for me. I'm excited, FutureMe, for what is yet to come. We both know the past 5 years were really hard, but I'm ready now. I'm so curious about what I have become. Am I still a psychologist, do I still help victims? Am I happy? Right now I am, even though I just lost him, and I barely started this new life. Yes, right now I'm happy. I hope Bob is still with you right now. No matter which one you chose. Take good care of him, he's going to be your best friend when you go abroad. If you haven't already, consider this letter also as a reminder to be honest about everything. If there's something that you haven't been honest about, do it. Trust me, you won't regret it. Right now I am only regretting the times I wasn't honest, don't let that still haunt you after 10 years. If you love someone, tell them now. If something's bothering you, speak up. Learn from your 2014/2015 mistakes. Well, I guess this is it. I have to go to sleep now. I have a seminar this week, remember Current Issues? I bet you do, we don't like it. Ten years from now you are graduated, but today you still need 36 ECTS. Funny! Anyway, I hope you're doing well. I am. You and I, we're living proof that there's life after everything that has happened. You made the right choice regarding him. You made the right choices overall. Don't ever forget, PastMe believes in you. Kiss Bob from me. He's not here yet, but soon there will be no life without him. Our little scientist. I'm praying he's okay. Oh, and happy birthday.