A letter from Apr 05, 2025

Dear FutureMe, I know having to sit in your emotions and heal right now is painful and exhausting, and you've been feeling exhausted for so long. That it's starting to feel like a pattern that people can't stay committed and leave you when you're finally ready to open up and let them in and commit to them. But I also know you know that it's not your fault, that the part of you that your friends love and that you love and know is beautiful is that you are a giving person, is your ability to love fully and wholly. Don't let a couple men who couldn't stay take that way from you. Don't let anyone take that way from you. But do take the lesson of learning how to set your boundaries so that in the next relationship, you don't lose too much of yourself before it's time. Don't let the avoidant person keep pulling away and you keep giving more to try to fill that gap - you're not only doing yourself a disservice, but also pushing them away because they cannot reciprocate the love you're giving. Slow down, take a deep breath. You don't have to prove your worth to be loved fully. You don't have to show your entire self so desperately so early on. It'll take time to get to know them, let them take time to get to know you. Give what you're able to give without losing yourself and without it being attached to your anxiety and need for love. Give that love to yourself first so you're not seeking it elsewhere and feeling lack when it's not given to you. When they pull away, recognize where it's coming from and don't panic - space is needed in a relationship, and the right person will figure that out with you in a healthy manner. It's interesting though, because right now you miss him more than the relationship, which isn't usually the case. The relationship was tiring - you gave more than you should've and that pushed his avoidant self away, and you were always anxious, hurt, frustrated, disappointed. It was exhausting, you weren't happy for a lot of the relationship. But just like how the relationship started, you don't really know why you liked him in the first place, it came out of nowhere, unexpectedly. You fell for him even when the relationship itself wasn't working out. Maybe you were attached to a potential version of the relationship, or maybe there was something about him that was so different from your previous relationships that you liked it, or maybe it was just him. Whatever it was, it's over, give yourself permission to appreciate it and move on because it's not coming back. There is nothing you can do to get it back. You also couldn't have done anything differently for this to be a different outcome. That's not how things work. All you can do is take the lessons and improve and become better, and be a healthier and more secure version of yourself in the next relationship. I hope you're still seeing the same therapist because she's great, the best you've had. She gives you a different perspective and gently but confidently guides you towards the healthier path, and her confidence is comforting. You will get there. You're on the right path. It will be hard but you know you can get there. And it is not your fault that things didn't work out. It is no one's fault. Don't blame him, don't blame yourself. Our insecurities and traumas make things difficult sometimes, and all we can do is try to improve and heal ourselves, and if they don't that's on them and don't need a place in your life or heart. See your friends as a reminder of how amazing you are - they're amazing and they choose to stay. You don't have to constantly prove yourself for them to see your inherent worth. Life is always gonna have its downs, but the downs will always pass and you only get better at getting through them. Love yourself, that's all you can control. You did all you can at that time, that's all you can do. I'm proud of you. I love you. You got this.