A letter from Feb 01, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Happy birthday! As you know well, today is your 25th birthday. Dang, a quarter of a century is crazy. It's 4:30 am now, and I'm still awake, drinking by myself. It's so stupid, and an endless cycle, but I have nothing better to do. It feels like I don't have much to live for at this point. I don't know what to do. I feel like I don't have direction in life, but I also don't feel like I can stop drinking. I've made promises to myself countless times, about eating healthier, going to the gym again, pursuing my passions, but each and every time I break that promise. I let a temporary pleasure get in the way of my long-term goals. My long-term goals seem impossible, it seems like I don't have the strength to do anything. After Emily broke up with me, everything just seems impossible, even the simplest of tasks. It sucks cause simple tasks were hard even when we were together, but now it seems so impossible and I have to force myself to actually take care of myself. I don't take care of myself, I try to distract myself from what I need to do. Maybe I get invested in other people's life, or drink at night so I don't have to face myself. Either way, it needs to stop. I could go on and on, but I'm writing this for one simple reason. If this is still going on today, your 25th birthday, then I give up. **** you, **** me. We both suck. We need to change this, we've always had trouble achieving our goals, like actually staying consistent with something. Please, I hope that you have already achieved some of this on your birthday. I have 5 months, and I know that I'm the one in control, not you, so if it doesn't happen then you can blame me, but also yourself since you are me. I just don't want to celebrate another birthday knowing that the previous year was meaningless for my life. I'm back in school now, but I didn't go this entire week, I stayed up until 5 am every night and couldn't wake up in the morning. The nights or should I say night that I didn't drink I paced back in forth haunted by thoughts and memories. ****... Whatever, you lost [InsertHerNameHere], and it seems like the end of the world. Seriously I'm in the thick of it right now. Sometimes I think it would've been better off if she died, and I know that seems bad to say, and I do not wish ***** upon her at all, but if she died at least she wouldn't have done it on purpose. The reason she's not in my life anymore is because she decided that she didn't want to be in my life anymore. Maybe judging by how I'm coping, maybe she was right to do so. Maybe I have a lot of growing up to do. I know it, and I want to change...but breaking the cycle is so **** hard. I have two voices in my head, one telling me that I'm a failure and a fraud, an idiot, a little *****...and the other voice telling me that my feelings are valid and that I've went through a lot lately and I deserve some time to heal. But I feel the truth is somewhere in the middle of that. I can't keep "healing" forever, but I also can't discount my feelings. I don't know. I started talking to a therapist, I went to one appointment, I don't really know if it did anything, but I'll keep trying, things like this take time. Bottom line, I need you to lock the **** in. 25 years of nothing. Another 25 and you'll be 50. We can't do it again, please. I believe in us. Happy birthday! I'm so proud of you, you did it! Love, You