A letter from Jan 23, 2025

Dear FutureMe, i currently want to OD. idk i’ve js been thinking ab it. not like i want to or im on the verge but i feel like pills would js make me feel better. i literally come from AA so idk what im thinking but apart of me knows it wld feel better. the only thing stopping me is alijah. i swear if things don’t workout idk how im still alive. he’s the loml. but genuinely he’s the only thing keeping me here. zoey has cancer and i think it’s getting worse. the fires in LA are getting bigger. now there’s fires in northern san diego. there was one near my dads house in rainbow, and the lilac fire. mission valley is burnt down. i hope we still live there. i hope my future didn’t get burnt down. i’m in mr shareks for this semester and im loving it! i hope im doing way better now. but also i hope i don’t feel disgusting in my skin. not in a “im not pretty” way but in a “i feel used and like ho” typa way. because i want to do wrestling. i don’t think she understands how much i love it. and she says she doesn’t like my motives for being a manager. she thinks it’s for the guys, and that adds on to making me feel like crap. like not everything i do is for guys. but it’s js not true. and i brought up how i wna start climbing again and they said they’ll support wtv. but idk i feel like im always being judged by my mom. i feel like she’s constantly judging my dad and me climbing would js add onto that. so i have no clue how to feel or what to do. but i js feel so used? i know alijah isn’t doing anything and he’s not the problem. i guess its js in general. but idk how i would tell him? “alijah i feel so weird in my own skin, i’m starving myself bc i don’t feel worthy of food? i feel bad when i workout bc im doing it for guys? the one thing i genuinely looked forward too makes me feel awful?” I DONT KNOW. i really hope im better!