Time Travelled — 6 months

A letter from Jan 05, 2025

Jan 05, 2025 Jul 15, 2025

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Hey you, I have a lot to get off my chest actually, it’s 3:19 am right now. I guess they were right when they said you shouldn’t be alone with your thoughts after Midnight. On this day, I have come to understand my reality… but before that, you know how weird it is that the you(we) never could remember our childhood did something happen that we had to bury that time of our life? and how you(we) were lied to for the first 10 years about a traveling dad but really he was dead since you were 2? All you could think then when mama finally said he wasn’t alive was “Don’t show how sad you are” why was that your thought at 11? Why can’t we remember most things before that age? Weird. Anyways, remember when we were teenagers and you were so scared of the change but no one was there to guide you despite having a family? How could a family that lived in such a small house be so distant? So you spiraled and decided the best way to let out all that hurt and emotions you felt was c****ing yourself but hey you couldn’t draw attention now, so you stuck to your thighs so your dress will cover it and no one will see… but your sister saw didn’t she? and after asking and you saying it was nothing, you felt so scared and also relieved that finally someone will save you from yourself remember? but then nothing happened, days went by and she didn’t say a word about it anymore, silly sister. Then you were thrown to boarding school, actually you begged for it because it felt more freeing than your suffocating house but it was worse wasn’t it? You had a nice mentor, she was so kind, you trusted her, blindly, but you shouldn’t have, you shouldn’t have accepted her offer to stay in her room, you shouldn’t have pretended to be asleep, you should have told her to stop, you shouldn’t have had to cry in the bathroom with your mouth covered alone…. And the next day, your nice mentor didn’t know you anymore and pretended nothing happened, silly mentor. Remember when you (we) stayed with your aunt and cousins place during breaks cause you couldn’t afford to travel back and forth? you were so eager to please, it was the right thing to do. To wake up early and clean the whole house cause it was the right thing to do, to wait until the whole house was awake before having breakfast even if you were starving because it was the right thing to do, to stay confined in the house cause going out was wrong except when running errands cause it was the right thing to do, to stay home and babysit the kids while the family was went out to eat because it was the right thing to do, to only get half a slice of your OWN birthday cake because it was the right thing to do. But you were there for holiday…. Mama has always been a people pleaser you know that well cause you are too, well not anymore. Remember when you got engaged to a man 7years older at 19? a man you met online. He started of sweet and loving didn’t he? The first person to realllly listen to you, he showed you so much attention you were so happy and naive. So what if he made you do a few things you weren’t comfortable with? After all he traveled all the way to see you, showered you with gifts, met your family, said he’d marry you, so why couldn’t you just say yes to some of his wants and needs? And remember to build trust is to keep it between the two of you, after all, you’re good at keeping secrets… Remember when he broke off the engagement over the phone? And told you he was seeing someone else? Your fault for looking for a father figure and partner in one person. Why was your first thought what will my family say? Why were you somewhat relieved underneath all the betrayal? Was it cause you knew that wasn’t what you wanted? then why were you going to marry him? Cause he was the first person to make you feel loveable? Silly girl. Imagine you were crying and your mother came to hug you but it was a feeling too unfamiliar that you couldn’t bring yourself to hug her back and wanted it to end, weird. Now you go back to university feeling lost and like the generic fatherless girl, you spiral, doing all sort of things against your morals and each one makes you feel more and more empty inside and oh so very lonely, and you then you find out your Mama is still sending texts to your EX-fiancé that dumped you and asking him “how he’s doing” “wishing him a great holiday” but Mama never asks you those sort of questions? But mama is supposed to be angry her daughter got hurt right? Mama is supposed to care about her daughter more than some Man? Mama is supposed to defend you right?? WRONG! Now you’re done with University, you’re looking for the farthest place from home to start a new life(don’t forget to pay back your Mama for all that money she spent on you, I mean that’s why she wants us all married as soon as possible anyways)….. So back to the topic, my(our) reality is definitely not like the daydreams you (we) have when I read books, no one is coming to save you, you can’t afford to make mistakes, no no, you can’t afford to be too trusting or stupid or be a people pleaser like your Mama, why? Cause no one is gonna have your back, so if you **** up, it’s on you! (Sometimes I wonder why she became the way she is, I wish to have that conversation with her maybe someday in the future, probably over the phone). So get that peaceful and quiet life you (we)crave, this is me in the past hoping you’ve gotten that and forgotten about anything else. Some people are just dealt a bad hand in life, happens. I do not wish for a happy ending or anything dramatic, just a stable source of income and a peaceful, quiet, life. surely futureme you can give me that. To the end of the beginning. ~ With Love, Silly Past you.

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