A letter from Jan 02, 2025

Dear FutureMe, It’s been a long time since I’ve written one of these letters; somehow it always comes to mind around my birthday. For you, it’s the day after completing all of your A-level exams and for me it’s a day into the new year. I hope that this year will be an impactful one. There are many important things that will happen to me this year. Turning 18, A-levels, the beginning of my gap year, getting my first job, the dreaded UCAT and the list goes on. I feel unprepared as of right now but I hope that when you receive this letter you will be content with the exams that you’ve sat (in’sha’Allah) and you won’t stress about the grades that await you. You may even be preparing for your post-exam holiday if you ended up booking it. Currently, it doesn’t seem like it’ll happen because Khadija’s not getting her act together (she’s semi kicked out right now and Ma has put Hussain into her room right now). Speaking of, I’m a little hurt that she lied to my face again. I thought we were past that and I was sort of starting to like her but she endlessly disappoints me. Maybe by the time you receive this she’ll be somewhat normal. And no longer with Aryan. I really hope she ended up sitting her GCSEs. If you don’t end up going to Morrocco with your family, did you end up deciding to go with Juweiria’s in August? It would be so fun, honestly I think I would enjoy it maybe even more than going with my own family. Yesterday night, Faizan tried to basically happy new year himself into another chance (his exact text was “#newyear#finallyanotherchance?”). I found it so hilarious, but also scary because I have been thinking about him a lot nowadays. Not even in the way that I like him, or liked him, because I don’t and I never did. But sometimes loneliness gets to me and I just think what if it was meant to be, because, what the hell, the guy has been trying this since highschool and what girl wouldn’t want to believe that someone likes her so much that he would be like this. Everytime I look at his text I honestly start laughing. I haven’t replied yet. I wonder how it went for you. If I’m being honest, I know you ended up replying. I haven’t felt this distant from Allah ever before. Sinning is constantly on my mind and pleasing Him never is. I have many missed prayers to make up, I don’t touch the Quran anymore and I don’t even speak to Him. In my mind I know that what I’m doing is wrong and unbefitting of a believer but my heart does not comply. Or maybe it’s the other way around. My mind may be poisoned whereas my heart longs to cling to my deen once more. Ramadan is coming up in two months time and I hope with all of my heart that Allah will allow me to become to close to him again and permanently. I don’t want to feel this distance from Him again. I hope that you’ve implemented the habits that you made in Ramadan into your day-to-day, and that you closed the distance between you and Allah with mannerisms, thoughts and hobbies that will please Him.