A letter from Dec 23, 2024

Moving On from Roman: I still want you to not hate me while wanting to make you hurt the way I do. I want to move on and know better. I know I deserve better and I’ve always known. But a small piece of my delusional self is still holding out hope that you might like me back. That she’ll reject you and your affair with her will fizzle out again and you’ll turn to me and realize I was the one you truly needed. But I know that’s not healthy. I should be someone’s first choice, not a consolation prize. You don’t speak to me like you speak to her. You don’t profess your love or open up yourself to me like how you do to her, like I do to you…. I need you to want me back for me… I guess it was never about loving you. The fact that I want to hurt you and destroy your life and curse your future means I don’t love you. I’m embarrassed to have you meet my friends and family and even show pictures of us. That should be enough of a red flag that this is a relationship that I myself didn’t see lasting value and authenticity. But why was I so hurt when I found out you were hooking up with her again? I know it’s jealousy. But I think I have fallen so hard for my own delusion that we were kind of dating, that maybe there was a chance you could like me bc of how much we spend time with each other and how close we were and how much we did together. I though those quiet moments in the park or us staring at each others eyes during meals meant something. I know now it was always me. I warped my own perception and let myself believe a reality I knew from the start wasn’t real. I got my feelings hurt bc I believed something that wasn’t happening. Maybe you didn’t lead me on, but in my delusional narrative it feels like you did. It feels like you took everything from me and left me with nothing. You never reciprocated while I kept on giving. What hurts even more was you knew how hard it was for me to give that much, that much money and time and energy and effort. I told you how special you were for me to even want to do all of that for. I never thought it would end like this. I was holding out hope that opening myself up to you that much meant that you saw me and understood me. And that one of these days you would figure out a way to return what he given and give me the love and attention and care and intimacy and closeness I deserve. Future Me.... I hope we have found better because we deserve better. And even if we haven't, I just hope we are in a better place and mindset now.