A letter from December 5th, 2024

dear future,
how are you doing? I always wondered, how old I'd be? how long will I make it. 
for so many years I thought I'd be the one to control that. but I don't think so much anymore. I think I'll leave it to nature. though some days I still fall into my old ways of thinking. I just hope that driver waves up to me. 
I don't know how I feel about him. we're casual. we hookup. we ****, we shag. we don't make love. but sometimes we have *** in a way that I've never had *** before. he's teaching me lots, he's different. I love the *** we have. sometimes it's hateful& that's just what I need. because to be honest. most days I do hate him. I want him to want me. so bad. I wish he wanted me. I wish wish wish he wanted to take me for a steak & cocktails. but he doesn't want to get to know me, doesn't see the point with 'girls' his words. sometimes he is so lovely. other times he's too rude.
I'd say I've never had this closeness in ***. like he physically can't get close enough, like he can't touch me or kiss me enough. the hunger is what I live for. I'm hungry too, I match it every time, I want him so badly. but I think that's because he doesn't want me. 
so I'll send you this letter 6 months ahead, because it'll remind you how far you've come, if you're over him. if you're still under him, I hope he's not stopping you from meeting the ONE. the person who does want to holiday, does want to know you. I just worry I wouldn't have the ****** desires, the ****** pulls & tension & fun & pure pure want.
there's so much I want to do with him. but I know all I am to him is the girl he ***** every weekend. 
I just wish I could have this + a bit more. like holidays, dinner, films, series, snuggles, cuddles & just someone who'll hold my hand when I go for surgery. that's the saddest thing for me right now, when they told me I need a little operation, it blew me away. I can't cope with not having someone to hold my hand & make me feel ok.
I love my mum, but will she be the only person there by my side for the rest of my life? & what do I do if something happens to her? how on earth would I cope.
but I get my kitten soon, how is my Dizzy rascal 6 months on? 🩶