A letter from Nov 26, 2024

holeh moleh alrighty life is not lifing i turn 16 in like 2-3 days BOOM and we thought we couldn't make it i got a feeling younger me would be proud now for the big questions WHAT THE **** IS LIFE WHY DO I STILL FEEL THIS WAY WHY DO THE DAYS KEEP FLYING BY HOW DO WE STOP TIME WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO GET A BOYFRIEND ok what do i think life is: NO ******* CLUE! but yea nowadays i just cant seem to put my finger on why im even here and im not suicidal or anything i just feel... worthless? idk this life kinda sucks back when i decided to do hs in 3 years i thought id be so much happier rn that im almost there but im not? im just scared ********, and i dont know who to talk to except for myself like no one else wants to hear it i dont even wanna hear it like shut up? anyway it doesn't matter that much, what does matter is that im here and that i have to do something with the life that ive been given i dont want to waste my life, so im gonna pull it together (im not btw, i keep telling myself that but i just cant. im so unmotivated i feel helpless) ok i feel this way because: things haven't changed enough? i guess thats selfish cuz change has to come from the inside first, but i keep waiting for my environment to change instead so its my fault i guess but what can i do? im 15 so i cant... leave? but i feel like its what i need. to get out and see the world so that i can appreciate it. there is so much more that i want to see so i have to go away... ? I DONT KNOW! i dont know where life is trying to lead me but i feel like a blind dog being told to jump off a cliff if that makes sense ok the days keep flying by because i dont like what im doing with them. if i had more passion for what im learning i would feel more indulged and things would happen slower. or, im being weighed down by school and feel boxed up, or in a hole with no light. so i cant tell time properly and have to rely purely on my insticts instead to the sun. i need the sun in my life again, to tell me how to feel. too often, i am left to my own devices. tell me what to do, but scare me a bit so i actually do it ok? how do i stop time? learn to appreciate whats around you. if i can look around in hamilton ******* ontario and find beauty, maybe time will move slower. the art of noticing ok boyfriends... i have never had one but i do want one. after writing all this tho i dont think im mentally prepared enough to have one. it might cause more harm than good for both of us. this doesnt mean i dont feeling alone as ****, it just means im taking my emotions into consideration and thinking about how it would affect said boyfriend. so yea im just very confused as of today i want to fly and escape but life has a way of catching up to you no matter what unfortuantely, disapearing is not an option i refuse to disapear, i just want to feel purpose why does that have to come from within? why cant i just find some outer thing that brings me enough joy (and money) so i can do it for the rest of my life? i feel unconfident in any career path because i dont want a job. i want a passion in my life. i dont want this life to turn into ''work''. i want to be able to live every day happy that i get another one the next morning. and is it too much to ask for? when i think of yolo, i dont think OOOHHH DRUGS AND VAPE AND METH i think nature and earth and mountains and i just wanna SEEE THE WORLD before its gone. that my issue: no matter how much time i spend in school, there is a factor of ignorance: why im doing all this. its to one day be able to not do anything. and i dont think im lazy, i think im human. i need the enthropie in my life to skyrocket- i need to live in a van with the man of my dreams until we get too old to drive and then well have our grandchildren build us a cottage on the oregon coast where we spend our days until we die is that too much to ask for? love and peace? i guess so, in this world. **** YOU, 2024!!!