I love you 3000

Five days ago, you were contemplating whether buying the mystery box from DBTK with a 350 PHP shipping fee was worth it. That night, you decided to let it go and said you would only order it the next time it is restocked. Now, you're telling me the backstory of John and Arthur from RDR1, which you have been playing straight for almost a week. But most of the time, you share stories about Pink Floyd's journey as a band and the meaning behind their songs. I have a confession to make. Sometimes, I don't understand the stories you tell, and I quickly forget the names of the characters from RDR1 and every band member of Pink Floyd that you always mention. I'm also not really into the vibes of Pink Floyd (except for the song I told you I loved), nor can I imagine myself watching WWE videos again. But no matter how confused I get, I find myself interested in every sentence that comes out of your mouth. Somehow, it’s because I see you smile while freely expressing your thoughts about the things you love. But most of the time, it’s how you comfortably show the real you without feeling unheard or unwanted. One of my favorite memories with you was when you sang the chorus of one of Kanye West's songs straight to my face. That happened around July or August, meaning we were only just starting to eat lunch together. But I already felt you were comfortable with me because you sang it confidently while maintaining your smile. I always knew that Kanye's songs were cringe and repetitive as hell. But hearing you sing them made me realize that his songs are bearable—okay naman pala basta ikaw yung kumakanta. But I also have to admit that your taste in everything is unique. I never imagined I would date a guy as cool as you! Haha, or maybe I’m just biased because everything you do (as long as it's not immoral and won't hurt others) looks cool to me. I always say that I first realized I had a crush on you when I saw you listening in our Geometry class while holding a Mongol pencil in your right hand, right? But tonight, while writing this letter, I realized what I said was completely wrong because it all started in the last few weeks of our NSTP class! I remember standing at the corner of the elementary school and seeing you change your shirt into a plain black T-shirt while I waited for Charles and my other ex-friends to come out from the CR. Grabe, hindi ko alam kung anong nainom ko kasi bigla tumibok heart ko, guys! Ang sabi ko pa nga sa sarili ko, anong nakain ko kasi bakit ko 'to naramdaman. Nadala yata talaga ako sa pa black T-shirt mo. Na-confirm ko lang na crush talaga kita nung Anageom na. Maybe it was because I saw how passionate you were to learn geometry at some point while the rest of us had already given up. Naisip ko, ang passionate naman nito. Paano pa kaya sa ibang bagay? However, I also felt scared because what if you're already seeing someone else? Thank God, I saw Sherene in the jeepney! I needed someone to give me straight facts so I would know if I should move on or continue liking you. So, for the first time, I told someone I had a crush on Raji Miguel and asked if he was single. I was happy when I heard the news that you were single, to the point that I grilled Sherene with questions about whether you were kind, respectful, and intelligent during our jeepney ride. The last phrase I said before saying goodbye and telling her to take care was, "Pwedeng pareto, sis?" But deep down, I knew I never needed someone’s help to get your attention, especially when I heard you were also planning to switch your program. Around March, I was already planning to leave everything behind. I sent my application to Smith College then, and all I had to do was wait for my results to come out. At that moment, I was 100% confident I’d get accepted until you asked me when we would transfer. I couldn’t say I wouldn’t change my program anymore because what if it was the last time I would interact with you? What if I were never given a 1-hour opportunity to ask you things about yourself again? So I took the chance and said to you na magtransfer na tayo ngayon din! That time, I only wanted to say I had a crush on you. Alam mo naman ako, nagmamadali ako minsan! Pero kasi baka hindi ko na non masabi pag hindi ko pa tinuloy. However, I never had the chance to tell you because you said we could only transfer after the semester ends. So the only thing I could do was accept that getting to know you for an hour and telling you about my feelings was never meant to happen. The only option I had was to move on from my childish feelings. Until summer came. Five days before my birthday, I finally received the letter about whether my efforts to fix my application for almost two years were worth it. I was immensely depressed when I read the word "sorry," to the point that I kept crying even on my actual birthday. But there you were in my life again, greeting me with a happy birthday. Frankly, I was so glad when I read your greetings that I forgot my sorrows because I realized that staying isn’t bad. Looking back, you're one of the reasons why I coped with that rejection letter. Every time I felt like mourning again, I would immediately tell my mom that at least I still had a crush from my block. Maybe studying and being alone in Northampton will never be for me. Perhaps I was meant for something greater, like pursuing cybersecurity and eating lunch with you every school day. Maybe I was meant to hold someone's hand while facing the harsh realities of life. Perhaps I was meant to laugh, cry, and talk with someone. I’m telling you that that ‘someone’ will always be you. When I was sad about what my ex-friends said last summer, you were there again to lift me up. The only thing you did then was spamming me with your stickers and messages with special effects, and I know it wasn't that grand or special to you. But something about your presence told me everything would be fine. Whenever Adrian (lil bap) asked me what specific aspect I like about you, I always told him I just knew. I like you just because. But I was wrong after all. I like you because you give me a sense of hope every time I find myself in the lowest disposition. I knew I was sure about you when I started to overcome my fear of thinking about the future and saw it in much warmer tones with the possibility of you being there. You make the world less scary to live in. When we started hanging out, I never felt the butterflies in my stomach that people commonly describe when they're in love. I just knew I had finally met someone who doesn’t make me feel the need to be constantly perfect. I was confident that I could be vulnerable when I was with you. There are times when I would get annoyed by what you say or do, but I always find myself able to communicate those feelings with you. You were always there to listen to anything I said, no matter how pointless it seemed. You made me realize that loving someone isn’t hard at all. Last night, I told you I didn't like it when you sent me the same TikTok videos you sent to the other 15 people. Kasi naman, parang regular friend mo lang ako non! But there you were again, trying to figure out why I wasn't fond of it and giving suggestions on how you could fix it. Grabe, with you, everything feels easy to solve. Do you remember when I asked your opinion on the question, "Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?" You told me you'd rather love someone because it proves you tried. If you had asked my seventeen-year-old self, she would have answered the same way. But my nineteen-year-old self begs to differ now. I would rather not meet you in this lifetime than live a life where I continuously yearn for your love despite knowing you're not coming back. Or maybe I'm only saying this because I'm afraid of losing the person I have completely loved, cherished, and known the most. Yes, Raji, I used the word "love." That is why I'm sending this letter seven months from now. Ang daming pwedeng mangyari sa pitong buwan. But I hope I have already said "I love you" by the time you read this. I hope you'll be mine to love and hold by then. Currently, I'm not planning on saying the phrase "I love you" because I want you to say it first. Para naman kapag tinanong tayo nila ng gab ng question na "who said I love you first?" ikaw yung sasabihin ko, kahit alam ko naman na mas nauna kong narealize na mahal na kita. Grabe! Ang weird pala i-type ng "mahal na kita." Ganito yata talaga yung feeling kapag wala pang label. Kailan mo kasi ako tatanungin! Wahaa. Pero kahit anong gawin mo o mangyari sa paligid natin, I still find myself choosing you over and over again. But you know what? Despite everything, I promise you I'm willing to celebrate and understand all the chapters in your life that you're willing to show, be it in the proudest or weakest moments and even in the depths of your silence. I will constantly be there even when the masks and titles of your success subside or when no one else cares to be by your side, for as long as what you feel is true and what we have is certain. Happy birthday, my sunshine. You will FOR SURE be whoever you want to become. Let's be successful together. I love you 3000, Raji. Bigyan kita ng kiss sige. :) PS: I wrote this letter whenever I found myself bored kaya napahaba! Parehas pa rin tayo ng weight ng love, okay? HWHUHUWU Always by your side, Shan