A letter from Sep 29, 2024

My Love I don't know how to handle this. Tell me, what do you mean when you say you love me? That you want to date me? Why? Do you truly feel some kind of attraction toward me? Or just because you think I'm a cool person? You were so hurt when I said no, though. I still remember how you looked. It looked like you were about to cry. Both of you. I'm sorry. I don't know what it feels like to love. Believe me, I want to love, I want to feel whatever it feels like. But...I don't know how. I don't know what love is. It just feels like something humans cling onto to delude themselves. It really does feel so, so fake. Sure, I care about you. I enjoy hanging out with you, and I laugh and smile with you. Maybe I enjoy hugging you and cuddling. But do I love you? I don't know. I don't think about you very often. I don't long for you, I don't blush or feel butterflies in my stomach when I'm with you. But man, I want to love you. I wish I knew how... So, why can't I love? It's something on my end, isn't it? I think it's because I'm afraid. I wonder what would happen if I died. What would mom and dad say? What would Leo say? And...would Louis even understand the whole idea that he couldn't ever see me again? And my friends. My friends.... That guy, T.H. went missing. Had suicidal intentions, was spotted near a bridge. He's gone. Mom told me she felt...vulnerable? Or scared, I forget which. She asked me, "You wouldn't ever do something like that, would you? If you wanted to go out, you would tell me." Yeah. Yeah, I would. Of course, no worries. Liar. If I wanted to die, wanted to leave, I'd do just as he did. Run in the middle of the night and never look back. What would my friends think if they found out I ****** myself? Would any of you miss me? Would you even care? Yvonne would. I really miss you. I remember when you told me I had talent at something I'd always believed I had none at. I miss your hugs. Your voice. I'm sorry I broke the promise. I won't forget you, but I've already forgotten the version of myself I found with you. I don't know where that person went, but I can't find them anymore. It was with you, and Y, and A and K and T and C and K and H and G that I.... That I could be honest, for once. I could be happy. I could smile and talk. And you guys understood me. Only you guys have ever understood me. But you're all gone now. I can't ever see you again. It's too cruel. "I hate how on those splintered midnights where the moon cracks a broken smile and spills its pitiful glow onto the sleeping gaze of my windowsill, you strangle my attention, demanding that I pay the price of your presence and read just one more paragraph, solve just one more problem, write one more sentence." (Ryan Lee - "To The Lazy Boy"). I'm flipping through these pages one by one, and the second I see the notes you've left, I'm crying. I turn away and cry silently. I don't want the paper to get wet, and I can't let anyone hear. I'm suffocating myself. Covering my eyes, holding my breath, clutching my head in these oversized gray sleeves. Don't leave me. I think I died. This is all pointless. I don't want to live like this. I'm a liar, a coward, and an idiot. I can't even speak. I don't even know what the truth is anymore. I'm afraid of everything. I use people. I ignore everyone. I lie, and I lie, and I lie. When will it all come crashing down? Maybe that awful sound will wake me up again. Why can't you all just hate me? I'm an awful person. I don't even have the guts to tell you myself. I want to keep living in this lie. Selfish *******. I can't think straight. Where did it all go wrong? SOMEDAY IM GONNA DRESS UP AS A GITFTED KID FOR HALLOWEN AND WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT IM SUPPOESD TO BE IM GONNA SAY "I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A LOT OF THINGS..." am i being overdramatic? I swear, im just overthinking everything. i just tend to think a bit too much, and not talk to others enough. That's all. sometimes i wish i had abusive parents or friends or something. then i could have a reason for thinking like this WERE AL COOKED EARTH IS KINDA DONE FOR