what's to say

Dear FutureMe, I hope that you've had a break in the depression. By the time you get this it will be your personal christmas season and you'll probably think that you're not going to make it but what you have to remember is that you're stronger than you think and you've sure as hell been through worse. Just don't hitch your dreams to someone elses star, do something nice for yourself, take steps to live your dreams and it will all work out nicely in the end for you. remember above all else that your son loves you so much that at 12 he's gone back to calling you mommy - even when other people are around sometimes and that makes you feel good, cause you know that he knows that maybe that's not the coolest thing on the earth, but right now - even in middle school he thinks that you're pretty damn cool and even wants you to take the time to take him to school on the first day. Life for you isn't easy right now, he's a young man and you know that he's trying to test his place in the scheme of things and be the man of the house and that chores and listening to mom might feel rather emasculating at times, but keep at it and he'll grow into a good young man. Remember how he changed your life and hug and kiss him whenever he'll let you and try not to let things like fucked up relationships and old scars get you down cause fuck all if you're not a different person now than you were then in almost every way. the weight will come off and you'll fit in your old clothes again and even now men look at you like you're a prize sometimes and like that guy said to you that one time, it wouldn't hurt to smile at people sometimes outside of work cause having someone like you smile at them makes them feel good. you are that someone... P.S. I think that picture of past you with all the stitches in your head is lurking around the bookcase in your room somewhere... you always end up finding it on accident but never when you want it. please please please burn it. make it a ceremony. let it go. say a prayer. i'm praying for you now.