A letter from Jul 21, 2024

how are you doing? i might send this for a year from now i don’t know but thinking about where we are this time next year is scary. i’m sorry if i’ve made some mistakes and i hope you don’t mess up our lives any more. i do not know what i’m doing anymore i do not know how to stop messing everything up i feel like i’ve lost myself all over a boy. do we still talk to him? we aren’t speaking right now but i accidentally changed the theme of our chats on his close friends account yesterday. i was crying over him and i was not paying attention to the screen and somehow changed the theme. he hasn’t opened the message yet and it’s been 22 hours. i know he sees my notification but he does not care about me even slightly. zainab stay away from guys i know we crave their attention but we aren’t meant to be loved. nothing ever turned out good when we tried to love. i do not know what to tell you i genuinely do not like you. i don’t feel like myself i feel like i am just playing a role in this girls body and life. i hate her life because its so ****** i look at how other peoples families are and i wonder why ours couldn’t be like that. i am really at a low point right now and i feel so out of place i do not know what to do. we never get better zainab i don’t think we would be any better a year from now. i don’t know what to write to be honest. i feel so sick i’m always holding back tears i swear he broke us i don’t know why i would ever even trust him all of this hurts bad i’m so sick of this life i know other people have it worse but i feel like mines is also sickening. i do not want to be in this home it has so much bad energy of course it’ll have bad energy when it’s run by a man who doesn’t know how to take care of a family. yes he is paying rent and keeping a roof above our heads but he’s making us so depressed all the time. my father has some mental issues i’ve always said that but i’m starting to realize how alike me and him are. maybe i got some of his bad genes. i’m not even sure if he had good genes all i know is whatever he has, i have it too. and that’s why it seems so wrong to get mad at him and cry because me and him are the same person. i don’t know if we still journal or not but if we stopped then please get back to it. write about other things this time don’t document how it’s going with a boy who couldn’t even love you. do we still talk to will? school hasn’t started yet so i don’t know if we speak to him but if we do cut him off. he tried to play me but i wasn’t healed from the other boy to care. he doesn’t want something real he just wants my body or to put me onto drugs. stay away from people like that and value ur good friends. i don’t even know whether to call those ones friends. i don’t think we have friends. we just have people we speak to in school but no one reached out to us outside of school except for lianna and makayla and ayan. i feel so lonely. why don’t i have the life of the girls i go to school with and share classes with? i wonder if we’ll ever like ourselves. and i am sorry im making this sad i know when other people write letters to their future selfs it sounds so much more brighter and different but i cant pretend to myself that im someone else. i hope we’re not so clueless in the future. i don’t expect much change if anything i expect more damage and it scares me. i know father’s day was a while ago but i opened tiktoks where its people talking about how thankful they are for their fathers and that hurts me everytime because i can’t ever say im thankful for him. the more i grow the more evil i see in him and it hurts so bad everything hurts i dont want to grow up anymore. im just a fifteen year old that still doesn’t know what to do with her life. i hate all of this it’s making me sick to my stomach i’m on my period and i want to go downstairs to eat something but dads downstairs and he’s in a angry mood and i cannot see him when he’s still awake. he’s so bipolar it’s insane. we have to watch his moods as if he’s a hungry lion. i want to leave this house and soon as possible, i want to get married young even though i know my parents won’t allow it but if i actually wait until i finish college to get married then that means another 10-15 years inside of this house and i cannot deal with it any longer. i miss ranting about this to ibrahim wallah he was our best friend and now he’s gone and i know im the one who left but i would’ve stayed if he told me to but he never did he just let me go so easily because he didn’t want me. im tired of being the only one who begs for people to stay in her life. i dont know why i can’t seem to let go of him i fight the urge to message him every single day and night. i know he sees my notification in his chats but he doesn’t want to give me any attention. i feel so ugly and unloveable i dont want to deal with any of this anymore i dont want to make any more mistakes.i dont want to cry over everything when did my heart become so sensitive? there is something so deeply wrong with me and i’m sorry that u have to deal with it. once he didn’t want me anymore, i stopped wanting myself too. the only thing that was starting to make me love myself was him loving me. everything will always come back to him every tear will always bring me back to his profile. i’m sorry i made this letter so long and miserable idk what else to say and i have no one to talk to i have no one who’ll understand me, we let go of important friendships. i’m so stupid for that im so lonely now. but see you in a year