A letter from Jul 20, 2024

Dear FutureMe, oh goodness as a preface, first time ever finding this website after doom scrolling and looking through my name on the unsent project. in a mild mood, but i think i wrote well. it’s 4am and ur currently laying with your bf of like six months or something. the little boy you’ve loved since middle school and has suddenly become the person you resent most. i really want to end things with him right now. he doesn’t have a job or a license and no matter how hard i try to change that, nothing happens. you pay the rent for both of you and pay for everything he needs and you work all the time but have no money. you argue about something he’s done and yet you have to apologize. he hits things and yells, and makes you feel like you’re crazy. your family doesn’t like him and it seems he doesn’t care much for them either. i really hate my life right now. i’m hoping my mom will pull through and get me out of here this weekend. i’m scared to break up with him but he’s just a terrible boyfriend. he’s a good person, but he isn’t meant for us. i keep thinking about david and how much i miss him. how much i regret deleting our pictures together. i start college in a month now. literally 30 days from now. i’m doing marching band and im so very petrified for it. it’s so god**** expensive and for what? it’s got me freaking out really badly but i know i’ll be alright. i move back in with my mom (officially) in august as she’s getting a new house with dylan, but i have half of my existence in my car waiting to get out as soon as possible. cars in the shop for a ****** up alignment and ball joints btw :) like 1000 dollars to spend and you could’ve just bought a new car if you didn’t move in with a bum. i think im going to be single for the longest time when i make it out of this relationship. they aren’t for me. if the man im with does one thing i dont like, i try and help and fix it and realize its just who they are but they don’t change and it ******* sucks. men won’t change for a woman. they can love you, but it won’t make you feel like you’re loved. maybe you’ll have a wonderful boyfriend who treats you exactly how you want to be. picnics and late night talks in his car, and he won’t force you for intimacy and spend all your money. he won’t look at other women and like their pictures on tt or instagram. you’ll get flowers and texts without being on read for hours, and you won’t feel the pain of breaking up with a man you love but don’t like once again. i want to find God but im scared it’ll change me too much. i’ve tried for years and years to see Him and i never could, but suddenly i see God in everything and have this insatiable urge to read the Bible. i find myself talking to Him, just like i did when i was little, and i think that means im slowly finding my way. he betrayed me when i was younger, but ive come to realize that it simply shaped me into who i am today and wouldn’t change that for the world. i forgive Him, and hopefully He shall forgive me. you’ll be alright. things have always been hard, but God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors. this seems like a little joke you say to your friends mistakes at work, but it’s truly an affirmation. you have made it further than you ever imagined, and you’ll go so far you won’t even remember where you were. with all the love you’ve given yourself, serenity