A letter from Jul 17, 2024

Dear FutureMe, Or not! This has been such an extraordinary experience of mine! I’ve been through different emotions during my whole life, but the main one was fear! I was afraid of everything! I experienced some adult fears when I was a kid, I got to think about adult consequences that I didn’t understand then. I was scared for my mom and of my mom, I was scared I would be a failure or being shame to those people I love Paps was the most amazing person I ever knew in my whole life. He has always been my safety boat He’s my synonyme of perfection, security and pure love with every single detail he has ever been through I don’t remember a lot, mom loved me and did everything she knows about raising a kid, she has always chosen unique things for me, she made me unique without knowing she wanted it I was still afraid when being a teenager, when I covered up, I was afraid from everything, the only things loved the most were my paps and my studies I loved the idea of the school, of the teachers, the loving amazing teachers I always had, friends, I loved houcine with all my heart he was my forever best friend With Oussama it has never been easy, he was a critical over protector brother: he didn’t like my friends, he didn’t like anything I do with mom, they made me go through a hard teenager phase Mom was supercritical, she was never satisfied about a thing I made to her never ! We didn’t have the same love language ! She did every perfect thing for me, even when she’s sick! I’ve always been terrified by the fact that she may go… she has always been sick! She made many surgeries, she wasn’t happy, she was complaining all my life I remember her complaining about everything But I love mom with all of my heart, and I always freak out when she’s sick I grow up, become a grown woman, my age was getting numbers, but not my wise side It’s like I was giving up being wise, I wanted to survive, I started feeling peace, I started gaining freedom, and let myself try I knew med, I guess he’s the only love of my life, but I was so toxic toward him, he used to lie childish lies, but his how I used to exaggerate it like it’s the end of the world I think he loved me as much as I loved him, or even more, but non confident as I was, I’ve never trusted his love And was afraid he would leave me, so I left him so many times, and made the relation more complicated then the distance side When we ve been apart my soul has left me! Even though now I realise I was the mistaken… Mom wanted me to get married, she only talked about that she never understood what I was going through! I was over reacting toward events: not being able to get a medical degree ( when it wasn’t what I wanted at all, god knows better, I really can’t fit to that domain) I wasn’t ready, I was feeling empty, or destroyed by losing med ! I felt like a beloved one litterly died… I felt not worthy of love, abounded, lost in life I couldn’t accept anyone who’s not med, but was so hurt of him that I couldn’t take him back Then chkoupa happened to me 💞 no one was there for me like this magnificent lady How could one say that friendship doesn’t existe when she was more than my sister She made me take the step, and go to check and finally resolve my childhood trauma that I was over holding L3assas was here to make me get back to life again, he was extremely hurt too, his lost was more important then mine, but I couldn’t handle them emotions anymore ! I couldn’t handle sadness, I couldn’t hold him up then I was bleeding, I was breaking down, I was struggling, pretending and managing to get myself together only to “Get married for mom” but it was so wrong ! Everything he did after was judging a broken person, he had the time and energy to do so even what he was going through ! He burned out the few cells left I had to get myself together in front of people ! Even “the facade” was gone And I became worst: I became more of a superficial, materialistic empty person who’s unable to handle anyone’s low moments Everything I learned from my relation with him was wrong ! Superficial and ephemeral The only thing I regret, is forcing myself I wanted to die! I was vibing with ***** Chkoupa, oussama and paps helped me heal ❤️ god has always been there for me, he only brought me great opportunities I was feeling him hearing my prayers But I had a new fear then! I was afraid now that mf may do something to my family, or may do me wrong by what we used to have Or even about the secret I hide since my childhood, that he interpreted in a very bad way ( Allah la ysamhou) I know he’ll be paying for this the rest of his life whatever wd happen to me! I was like a crazy, lost choked person, not talking about a thing but this story!! While mom in between, didn’t stop blaming me for not getting married ! My family didn’t understand that I was being extremely destroyed I started getting little confident, oussama and his wife’s made me feel safe We were happy, I was feeling so blessed to get a kind step sister, but I couldn’t handle anyone’s bad events ! I was starving for a happy event Marriage has become an obsession for me! I hated everything related to it, but only wanted to get a husband, a man that may get me out of what I was feeling And no one could then, cause I was SICK! and what I needed was therapy not a husband… The story of “piratage” was my weakness I felt my life put on very hard exam, I know many people did hacked me, but l3ssas was extrem! Why didn’t he just broke up with me? Why he continued, and all he was doing is collecting evidences about me I tried to be there for Oussama, I gave my all on his wedding ! I did all I can to make him happy and his wife But I was becoming crazy! I was getting ideas, i was imagining scenarios about everyone and everything Then mom choqued me by hiding mouss fiançailles, and how she turned him against me, how she said I was jealous of that girl that didn’t me a thing ! I was frustrated I lost it again… and had to build up little by little again… when njb came And when I discovered I was hacked by my colleagues, and by him How did that bring me to the bottom of life He’s crazy ! Extremely crazy ! He knows everything about me, about what I was feeling about what was happening It’s a game for him to ruin my life Now, I have a new enemy Those colleagues, njb and old 3assas They tried to get things about me they tried abdnour, drivers etc it didn’t work ! Then events started to happen: jedda is gone without I got the chance to see her befor Then mom got sick, then jeddi my dear Jeddi I was so afraid about mom that I didn’t even grieve him Allah yerhamhoum My aunties comeback, we started talking again Samira hates me, she’s so bad! She’s extremely jealous and bad ! I know I sometimes be having imaginary stuff, but about Samira I know I’m true! She’s on l3assas side! They wanna prove we r all about gossiping and problèmes I don’t know what’s the relation between jhadija the colleague and l3ss, but I’m certain there is one ! Or maybe zrri and l3ss ! But I know there is a relation between them I did what I can for mom, I did my best to put mylife together But maybe it’s not destined for me Mom will always think I’m a bad person My ennemies live with us and would use this against me I don’t regret anything I’m a freaking pure person I gossip I hate in those mother ******* But I’m pure as fck They are lying ! They use their power against people ! Fck them they have no dignity Njb has created some crazy stuff about me on net, maybe an account or he published what l3ss gave him about me They are gethering like ******* to do me wrong ! I know zrri is with them too and khdja the jealous They told my dear paps things I never did And never said They did my family wrong, jeddi nour everybody They will paye for it For once I’m proud of my self 💞 they can buy the world and make people witness I know they made ikram amira hakima and even chkoupa witness against me ! I know they asked my ex colleagues to say things about me, even my teachers ! I know there is a lot of lies Mom is happy that bad things may happen to me ! I guess it’s enough reason to go from this life I hope she’ll be protected forever, her paps and my brothers and their families I’m now engaged to someone just Bcs paps wanted it so! Bcs of the lies Even this guy is lying about me Paps is believing those people ! I forgive him whatever he did to me or say abut me cause he can’t not believe them mother ******* I forgive and love him and chkoupa ❤️ Those 2 people were the most important people of my life And I’m sure god can only protect them For the rest: they have girls! They only made me so precious Khdjs father is doing that to be a wli L3ss is lying to make projects he only know building on lies Njb is lkawad de l3ss The rest know they are lying And I’m not 💞 I’m clean لك الحمد ربي حمدا يليق بجلال وجهك الكريم To anyone who will be reading this: I gave my all to the people I loved And I never lied about a loving act Never still never been something else then حرّة O.D