A letter from July 17th, 2024

Dear FutureYou,my love,It was around this time last year I found you.I'm bored and jobless so I'm doing this.I'm setting this to exactly a year and a half because about a year ago you told me you had brain cancer and you had about two and a half years left and i believed you and i still believe you because i can't risk not believing you. i can't risk not loving you enough. i can't risk not caring when i should've. i can't risk taking it as a joke when i shouldn't have. when you told me, my exact words were "I can't live without you" you told me that i can, but i don't want to, I'd still have to because i have no other choice so i sat in my bed and cried and cried and cried, i tried to get you to tell me whether you were joking or not but you wouldn't budge being cryptic and all, you didn't talk about your future for a while but then you did bring it up a few times and i didn't say it but i liked it when you mentioned it I'd smile too myself and say you were just joking but i still believe it and I cant stop believing it wallah idek why like when you said you would only finish in 2029, i like when you said that because that would be more than two and a half years later but i also didnt rule out that you could've just beeb saying.it's torture thinking about it but i try not to tho its always sitll at the back of my mindi dont want to ask you because I dont want to hear the final answer i dont want to risk hearing you tell me if its true or not the time we started talking a lot was really something I needed maybe its why i like you so muchi dont know if you know this about me but i can get pretty... obsessive and i was deep in obsession and letting go of my obsessions were the hardest part for me but you maybe made it easier i dont know. i was obsessed with it but you took my mind of  it,  or my obsession just transferred to you instead. hmm never thought of it that way but i think thats what happened i could focus on you instead and it was fun till you became my next drug it is something to hate but its not as bad with you like its not as restrictive? i dont know but at least   i dont know sometimes i like how i see so much of myself in youthe way i hate stressing on something I dont want to stress about, the pointless ness of lifei dont tell you when you do stuff or say stuff that i would totally do or say or even relate to most of the timebecause im too lost in thought of how possible it is that you exist or because its so unbelievable but it was before and now i dont see it anyway anymore you're so close yet so farand when im thinking of what you're thinking it drives me insane to not knowi just need you etched into my skin or something but you dont let me depend on you like thati like itand whether you get to read this or not, whether you choose to read it or notim happy i wrote itbecause im all that mattersunless you're dead already then i will read it to myself and remember how much i love you and hopedesperately that when im reading it, i still know what it feels like to still feel itto love someone so desperately without wanting any more from them, it's exhilaratingi like it and not just because it's sometimes torture but also because it's sometimes beautiful my loveits so effortless and natural like i was born with it maybe because I like stuff that's effortless that requires no energy from me, that gives me peace and all of it comes with you my love thank youI'm really proud of you proud that you're my best friend not for a reason but just because i can and i cant say i know everything thats going on with you but I know its a lot to keep inyou are so strong, i envy you for it because though we are alike in the aspect of just being calmi can't imagine holding it in like you do, the one time you talked about iti didnt know what to sayi wanted to say all the right things for you but i couldn't and didntwe never spoke about it again because you didnt want to and i dont know if we will again before you read this wallah everything you feel, i feel with you because i spend most of my day wondering what it is you're wondering, good or bad or nothing or everything, i just worry and i hate not talking to you because then i am just doing nothing knowing you are also human and you feel feelings that aren't positive or that are neutral? i dont know but it's better than keeping quiet tho im not helping you deal atleast im not leaving you alone since you dont want to actually talk about it but i just hate how it eats at me not knowing i dont know what happened to us but i like that it's us when you're at your lowest I'm down there with you, even if you don't know itknowing you, you'll deny and laugh in my face"you dont this, you this instead" "you never this, because you that" whatever the ****. i said what i said.something else, i hardly correct your misunderstandings and i dont want to think it's because i dont care but you are wrong about what i think of you sometimes i thinkbut heyi love you🫶i love you without turning backi love you as yourself so much and I love you without wanting to sleep with you. yes. I said that. i never want to make out with you because I dont want it it to might turn not platonic real quick and I dont want to know you as not my best friend oh and i loved when you declared me your best friend played it coolbut i thought about it for weeksstill do because still ami have no idea what will change in the next few months but wherever we stand, i know I'm standing w you in my mindtime to end this I'd like you to actually read it but keeping it short was out the window a lot of words agoidk you might read it all at once or decide not tobut that's a wrapAllahuma Barik Mus'ab🫶