A letter from Jul 08, 2024

Dear Future Sami, Hi, if you're reading this you should be in 5 year, so uhmm how're you doing? Are you still there? Is it any better? Look, this year has been really rough on me since the beginning and I'm just starting to figure things out so I hope I've made the right choices and that you're doing okay. So um, idk dad got cancer, he's fine. I knew he was gonna be alright, it was just a fact in my head, so I didn't worry about it. I also knew he was worried and scared, and I don't blame him of course, but I really wanted him to be as certain about it as me. I also had to start school and it was when it all started going downhill (February)! So you know that Fri and More changed schools so I had to start this year without them with me. And it was hard and I was really scared and the day before I was sobbing and it was like four am and I couldn't fall asleep so I went to sleep with my mom and the next day I went to school with like 3 hours of sleep on me. I'm not sure what to say about it. The girls just straight up ignored my existence. It's not like I wanted them to play besties with me but I just wanted them to acknowledge me as their classmate or something. It was really hard and it sometimes made me feel miserable and alone. There were times when I just watched them walk in front of me, not even locking back, and it made me feel so out of place. And oh God forbid if they showed basic human decency . Like once they just waved goodbye and I almost cried. At first at the very least Zoe kind of talked to me and tried to include me a litte but then she changed school so back again to feeling completely left out! I just recently got confident enough on myself again, so it doesn't feel like they're stabbing me and I don't feel like I'm invisible. Like **** them, I'm gonna be my absolute best and it's gonna be THEIR loss . Someone that helped me a lot through all this (at school) was Emi. I just talk to her (a lot) on the breaks and stuff but it really did helped me . She's really nice. Plus I did cry with her a few times so that adds to it. Moving on from school we've got to talk again with Cael/Eliza . Wow, I know. The first time she texted me it was actually the day before my dad was supposed to had surgery so I was really stressed out. It was... Peculiar. I've had a lot of mixed feelings about it. But I don't hold any grudges. It's weird, because sometimes I remembered what we used to be like and I didn't want to think of her that way, so in a way it was like knowing different people. And THEY CHANGED, I know it sounds weird to say it like that but after everything I just hadn't expected to know about them again. We've actually been talking every once in a while and we're both in a better place (or at least trying to get there) and in a much healthier relationship than before. After putting limits and all of that stuff we finally got to have a good bound without that extreme (co)dependency . We usually just talk about whatever and even when she tells me some of her problems I feel like my attempts at advice actually mean something, like, this time I know, I'm not as scared anymore. And I even vent a bit with her too? I think she's getting better, I'm proud of her and I wish to see her become a better person. Actually, it was just yesterday that we saw each other face to face since... 2022? I was extremely nervous about it (and about asking my dad about going too) but it all turned out alright. All that anxiety was just in my head i guess. Well, we've got to see each other and I saw Cons too, and we also talked. It was just yesterday that she told me she wanted to be called a "she" and that she liked the name "Eliza". I like it too. So I think we're doing this right . It is a bit weird sometimes but it's fine. Okay, I think I really gotta talk about this because I haven't told anyone yet. I think I like Fri. As in more than friends. I wouldn't say it's romantic either but still. And it's ughh. I thought I had already figured this out a couple months ago when I came to the conclusion that yes, I liked her platonically but I didn't need a relationship. But then on her birthday I wanted to write her a letter, and I kept panicking thinking like "is this like romantic? Does it sound like a love letter?" Like yeah, of course I love her and adore her but it doesn't have to be that way. Less on her birthday. After that it's been kinda strange. Specially since we sometimes talk about her relationships and stuff. Like of course I had these thoughts of having feelings for Fri but when she started dating Tomas (let's not talk about that) I was really happy just because *she* was happy. So I thought "um then it's probably not that, I just want her to be happy and that's okay" . Plus she's recently talking about having this kind of crush on Manu, understandable, which is totally fine. But she told me like " look he likes this stuff and does this thing LIKE YOU" and I got weird feelings. You know I consider myself to be on the aromantic spectrum (cupio tho because of this I'm thinking that maybe I might be demi?) but we've recently had a talk with Fri where we talked about *her* being aromantic too. And I was left out a bit confused. Like I kinda wanted to say I wanted a qpr and I thought that maybe it was fine with her too but she also said she doesn't want an established relationship right now, so I'm a bit nervous about telling her. It's not like it's gonna change anything, I guess I don't want her to feel uncomfortable since we're close friends but I think that because of that it shouldn't be a problem. I don't know. I just love her I think. I don't care if it's romantic or platonic or a secret third thing. I think I want her. As in "more than friends". I don't care if Fri wants to kiss other people, she can do it. I don't care if Fri doesn't want to do something with me, she doesn't have to. Nothing really needs to change between us, maybe I'd get to call her my girlfriend but I'm not sure if there's more to it. I just want to hug her and know that she knows that she's loved as a person and gets every right to be happy , like she deserves. I don't want her because of anything she's done or can do. I don't want her because she makes me feel nervous or jealous or flustered or whatever butterflies means. When I'm with Fri I feel good. I'm comfortable with her, she makes me feel safe and wanted and nice and happy just by being my friend. I guess that's what a relationship is supposed to be like, someone you feel safe with and that being with them makes you happy . I may not have fallen in love before but if I had to choose anyone it'd be Fri. Fri, I feel strongly for you, and you can choose how you want to take that. So future me, have you told her? How did it go? Have I stop to feel like that? Is she happy? Wow, can't believe that with everything that has happened this year and instead I'm just rambling about my crush on my best friend like I'm a teenager who kicks their feet while listening to music. Maybe cuz I am. Anyways future Sam, I hope you're doing fine, did we do good in the IG exams? How's Aimy and Ian? How's Fri? Remember to take care of yourself, bye 2024 Sami