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Dear FutureMe,
Hieee!!! First and foresmost I hope you are well wherever you are. I love you, I always will even if some days it feels like I love like I love my Father. 😭
Okay so before I ask you about your whereabout let me tell you about mine. I'm at home and I desperately wanna leave anywhere...ANYWHERE ELSE. They still fight, They fight way more actually and ur head hurts and throat aches from screaming and listening sometimes. U walk everyday 6000 steps to your academy to learn graphic designing bcs u rly are hoping that it'll be your salvation (nijaat if I remember correctly) from everything there is now.
You have not yet gotten admission in university bcs there wasn't an admission at all for your subject. And it stresses you out, sometimes you even blame yourself. Othertimes you blame your father but in that you indirectly blame urself for relying on your father for support.
Ur work in ur academy is very appreciated, yesterday you were rewarded on it and was told that in few days you'll see a board with the logo you traced and that made you really really excited.
You are trying to lean more towards skills that'll earn you something instead of girly things that you did for yourself like crochet, knitting, painting. And you also tried to rip apart your feminine side the day u discovered u'll have to wait 6 more months but then u did your makeup the next day, got ready and took self potraits.
You want to study CS even if that wasn't your first choice, you realized that your destination will only be good as long as your journey is hell.
You have 15 mini paintings in ur room, an award certificate, a painting you made for your sister and 4 seperate paintings and one embroidered hoop (?) hanging up. Also a wall hanger you crochetted with three roses you crochetted. And ur room is yellow.
You use the laptop you won for your work. Your laziness (or depression) is getting the best of you.
And you still talk to him, he's not as nice to you now but he's also very busy bcs he is making something out of himself. You hate him and you love him, it's mehh unexplainable but u desperately want him to deny u so much that u accept urself.
U hate ur sister, u hate your father. U love your mother but ur mother makes u wanna hate her, u are scared for your brother and he's also kinda annoying.
You have not written a poem in few months and it feels like losing a limb but you can not force it out ao you don't force yourself to write, you feel inspired sometimes and u try ur best to come up with something but u only feel shattered and no words come out of it.
You like yourself more now, more than you ever did. Some credits goes to your so called bestfriend bcs she was always si confident about herself, it made you envy her and then you started accepting urself.
You really really wish you could submit your poem somewhere and make a little name out of it (I just abhi abhi felt this).
Dawaat today, u're rly lazy and barely helping and u're very tired and ver lonely.
And u rly rly want to become a biker (desperately)!!
I hope you are better off than me even if ur aren't where I want u to be. I hope u're happier, I hope ur head hurts less, I hope u get the permission to ride a bike or a car. I hope u're home less. I hope you made ur first dollar or money in any currency. I hope one of them died and the rest started being gentle with each other.
-Love Kiera
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