(7/4/24) READ ME 😁 What's going on in my ((past(one year ago)) life?

Hello future me, It's been a while, hasn't it? Well I apologize for that, life has been a whirlwind of crazy things. To remind you of what's going on right now, I am currently at Forsyth Tech doing the Interior Design program (part time) and trying to start up home renovations with my brother. We have also gotten a new dog and she's amazing. Right now I am not feeling so great; I'm burnt out, tired of my family and I also feel lonely. I recently made a friend on PUBG and we became friends outside of the game and the lines got kinda blurred because we started flirting but it didn't feel right because he lives in California and I live in NC and I didn't want a repeat of Houston again. I physically could not do that to myself again but I really enjoyed his company; he is intelligent, sweet and a hard worker. There's so much about him that is great and I would love to have explored that connection with him but our circumstances just don't seem to favor in this situation. We call him PenPal, his name is actually Alexander. He is an HVAC technician, used to dabble in construction and automobiles as well. we seem to pique each other's interest but I had to draw a line/boundary because we couldn't progress with the situation we've found ourselves in. Maybe in a year from now, things have changed but as of right now, I have told him that we can't progress this relationship any further and that I am busy and he has told me then same thing (that he can't provide me with the friendship I want because he is too busy) but I feel like it was also because I told him that I don't feel comfortable with cultivating a relationship with so much left unsaid in my life. He is 5'10, owns multiple properties and seems to be a great guy and have things figured out, he is also 26. I am not sure what I am feeling towards it all but everything in my life has just seemed to make me sad. I have kind of felt extra lonely recently and craving that relationship or friendship with someone where I feel 100% comfortable with them but have never found it and it seems to be taking a toll on my recently. I am so guarded and hesitant of showing my cards that it seems to hurt me but I feel like if I just show my hand so easily then I will end up being even more hurt in the end. I don't know how to feel right now and I just want some guidance. I have also been praying for guidance and to help me on my journey but it just feels so foggy to me that I am not sure what is being heard at this point. I have had so much happen to me in such a short period of time that I don't even know where to start when it comes to feeling out my emotions. I have also asked for help from the Lord to start my journey of not bottling my emotions up. I really just pray that the Lord gives me a sign and hope I hear it because I feel like I have been deaf when He's tried to tell me stuff recently. I am praying so hard that something changes or happens because I am so exhausted with dealign with everything and just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how much more is meant to happen for me to find myself after this wreckage but it hurts to go through. I just want something-a sign, a message, an action... Lord I am truly begging you to help me out here and show me what direction I am going in. Lastly, I want to say you're doing a great job and no one can do it as well as you, as much as you might not think so and don't receive credit for it, all of this is making you a stronger person to further solidify your abilities and role in someone else's life later down the line. Just stay patient and keep your head up, it's not easy waiting and doing what needs to be done but if anyone can do it, it's you. You'll get your fairytale ending one day but it's just not any time soon. I love you and wish you all the best in your ventures right now and I hope you send an update to our 21 year old self before it gets all lost in the sauce!!