A letter from Jul 04, 2024

Dear FutureMe, Right now, I am in a crumbled state. I've been feeling so sad lately. I am moving to Cauayan and continue my study there. I am feeling all negative emotion there is. I am scared of what I will encounter there. Lots of people told me na sa umpisa lang naman daw ‘to, e. I’ll adjust. And I know that naman, I’ll adjust in time. I have to, it's not like I have a choice than to survive, ‘di ba? But restarting is such a hard thing to do... They told me to sacrifice na lang daw kasi bedridden na si mamang and all. Kaso ‘yun nga, e. Do I have to be the one who sacrifice always? Why do I have to be the one to sacrifice the life I've known for myself? Why do I have to abandon the people I call my friends? Am I too selfish for thinking this way? Am I too selfish for not wanting to let go? Am I selfishly thinking for wanting to stay home and continue my study because that's what I think is good for me? Am I being selfish for choosing me instead of other people? It's easy for my mom to leave Olongapo because that was not the place she called her “home”. While me, I find it super hard to leave the place I called “home” ever since I was born. They keep telling me stories about themselves that at such an early age, they have to go somewhere far away from home to study. But in the back of my mind, I am not them. I will never be like them. I was not in their shoes and they are not in mine. Just because it worked for them and they carried on, does not mean that I will to. I have friends back in Olongapo City and I could say that I have established a tiny bit of myself there. It's like tearing down a puzzle you built for so many days just to be broken in pieces for a minute. They won't get me, they don't know how it feels like. They don't know me, they do not want to. I reasoned out to my mother that I can just live with my brother back in Olongapo since my brother stays there and they will rent a studio type house. In my mind, I could do a part-time job to support my needs if they won't. I am eager to stay, I don't wanna leave. I don't ever want to get out of this comfort. Why do I always have to be stuck in the middle? Why can't I have a choice for just one time? Why do I feel so caged? I hope when I see this sometime soon, I am now in a much better place. I hope I am coping with the things I don't talk about. I hope that I have found a permanent circle. I hope I am happy. I hope I am not struggling anymore. I hope I am comfortable with the environment, with the people, and with my own skin. Lastly, I do hope that I’m still alive. Crying, Hera.