A letter from Jul 03, 2024

Dear FutureMe, Hanan leaves next Friday. Today is Wednesday and it feels like a lifetime until he goes Yacine said I’m working at 268% capacity in a few weeks I made the decision to go no contact with Hanan. I received a slack message when I did not go to the team meeting I ignored it and sent an email to HR I have a migraine. Melatonin just arrived. Hope it works Just won £325 on the premium bonds Exhausted and look ancient after crying all night and this morning Set up a call with G for this afternoon so I can have a reason to snap out of this. We can discuss tasks across LPD and CPD workspaces, queries and dashboards I’m sitting in the car by the moor I’m close to the place where I sat with my dad when I was 11. We talked about suicide and how he would never ever do that Got my mortgage in principle at the weekend: allowed to borrow £225k. Told I could have more. The milestone just made me think.. it’s just another thing to celebrate without dad being here. I need to sort my mental health out. I am going under again. I don’t want to be here anymore. I am lying in bed at night trying to tell myself I can’t put mum through that. We all promised it can never happen again in our family. It isn’t an option. When I drove myself to the train station back in March, I felt so close to being free from all of this hell. I envisaged where I needed to rest my neck, how far down the track I need to be to be out of clear sight. Ending me would end my mum and I repeat this over and over again. She doesn’t deserve that. You hurt the people you love the most and it’s the type of hurt that will destroy their spirit and life will be a living hell for them. The three of us have lived this for 23 years years. I cannot recreate March 5, 2001 again. I do know better than that. The majority of the time I know better and do not get swept away by the thoughts but at night when I can’t sleep it gets me and I really do listen to it I stopped taking the antidepressants because I need to keep my ocd. The ocd gets the work done and in many ways protects me. But now I just feel beyond ****** and the work will suffer regardless