A letter from Jul 02, 2024

Dear Future Sally, I'm now going through one of the most biggest changes in my life. This is the part where I realized that one of my biggest struggles was loosing myself in my obsession's with things. I am now learning how to love myself for more then meets the eye but what also I am. I didn't acknowledge my pain for a while. I didn't allow myself to evaluate what my situation was, I always said there was worst out there. My pain wasn't worth acknowledging because it didn't really happen. I feel like in a way my mom kind of gaslight me into thinking everything I went through wasn't that bad and or didn't even happen. So I believed her. I believed her when I knew she was wrong. I believed her when she constantly called me fat. I believed her when she called me weak or really stupid. I believed her when she told me my grades weren't good enough and I probably begged the teacher to pass me. I believed her when she said I was never going to be anything in life. So for a while I just sulked. I lived in my own tragedy and blamed the world. I said if only people accepted me I would've been in a better place with school and life. If only I wasn't so traumatized. I remember fifth grade like it was yesterday, a time when I felt like an alien to people and my teachers. People felt bad for me and no one could relate to me. All I had was myself. I was hated at home so much that I blocked it from my memory. I was thrown into the real world, the real truth, that nobody cared and your father protected you from everything and everyone. The world was too cruel without anyone fighting for you. So you had to fight yourself. So there I was in fifth grade fighting for a life I believed would one day get better, in front of teachers and kids that seemed supportive of each other but not me. Id go home feeling ugly, unloved and hopeful that one day ill be pretty enough so boys would have a crush on me, and bad things wouldn't happen to me. One day everyone who hurt me would realize I was the most talented beautiful girl in the world. My father would tell me that and that's all I had that kept me going. His words of support I took as a book through my life. I hated my life for about 6 more years after that and I really kept getting up then falling really hard because of the abuse that conspired. It changed me so much and its like I left a room and never came back to it. Now at 20 I'm finally strong enough to come back into the room I left and avoided for all this time to fix it. Not for them, not for everyone who doubted me, not even for myself, but for God. He's the one who told me to go back into that abandoned room, why? because its my room and it'll never be anyone else's. I left the room to distract myself from the pain but now I need to tell myself that I'm worthy of everything and I made it out alive untouched and protected. That was not me at all but him. Now I think I am ready and healed enough to fight again, God kind of put me in a secret resting period. When a solider gets too hurt he can't fight no matter if his strength is of a mountain, God hid me to heal although the healing process was painful and I was unknowing that it was even that. I am almost done healing and now God is getting ready to put me in the forefront. He says his children had to go through these things to be wise enough to lead. Hopefully I'm ready.