A letter from Jun 27, 2024

Dear FutureMe, Hey again! I am writing this at 4 am, just got my wisdom teef out. In quite a bit of pain. I am reading that book about CPTSD, What My Bones Know. I'm proud of myself for reading again! Im halfway through. I started writing my book again recently, too! Even came up with a half decent outline. It took me this long because, well, I thought since it'd probably never see the light of day, it wasnt worth doing. I decided I was wrong. I deserve to enjoy my hobbies, even if itll never be published. Things have been rough for awhile now. Ever since i started to read that book last week, though, I find myself hopeful and grateful. Its hard to live with as much trauma as we have, and even harder to realize youre letting yourself slip again. The first time I used future me, I wrote a silly message as a last ditch effort from taking my life. That whole year, I remember thinking "I can't die, then I'll never know what that said." And it actually worked. Seven years later, I am still here. And I am happy for that. I always ended up writing these in the worst of times, the most anxious of times. This isnt much different, my anxiety is definitely eating at me. But I wanted my message to be a little different. To be lighter. You are coming to terms with yourself, your emotions, and your life. You are excited about changes and places you might go. Youre planning a trip to the zoo with Austin, many trips with Kassy and Jo, and you just saw them this last month. You guys had lots of fun, drew questionable **** in ferry newspapers, took lots of photos, and showed off your power point skills. Honse is an inside joke now. Right now, regarding CPTSD and that book, you are wondering how harsh you are of others. Why you feel every indifference is a slight, every irritated moment a gut punch. You know why, but youre questioning why it has to be that way? And why you have been losing faith in the people youre closest with. You have fine tuned your circle for years, and know none of these people would do anything to hurt you on purpose. So why does it feel like that? I know the answer. Sometimes, when we feel insecure, hurt, and like an afterthought, we start inching closer to that black hole of depression. You start thinking "if anyone cared, theyd notice and pull me out!" While simultaneously doing everything you possibly can to pretend your fine. You have put walls up, because that way, no one can dissapoint you and you can have the sick satisfaction of 'being right.' It has gotten to the point where even hiding things from Austin is easy. With his health issues and fatigue, things are slipping through the cracks right now. And it's okay to be upset that his observation skills have gone with it, but then you need to say something. You need to let people know the urgency of your issues instead of shutting down. I say this, because historically, this isnt a lesson you learn once. You have to relearn, and redo, and rebuild. But it gets easier everytime. And the relief is always amazing. Lastly, I love you. I love the was you smile, your chuckle, your silly jokes. The way you defuse situations with the John Cena noise or a good ole "Oof." I love how much you care about others, and how much you can see complete strangers start to feel that the more you open up. I also love your soup, gonna go eat some chicken and dumpling soup here in a bit. Remember that you are so much more than your resilience, your rage, your illnesses. I don't have a single doubt that even if this message reaches you at the worst of times, you will get back up on your feet. Not because you have to, not because you're "stronger" than that, but because we both know there is so much love and good in the world, and we arent ready to let go of that. I am loved, therefore I am ❤️ Also, 🚪🤚🪝🚗🚪