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Dear FutureMe, ok so im in the camino real hotel in downtown el paso where i definitely do not belong, but no one seems to have picked up on the fact that i am not as they say "a registered guest" hehehehe and i tried to go to the op tonight. well scrath that i DID go to the op and felt very awkward. i walked by like 10 times before i just told my self This is your life you can do whatever the hell you choose. and there were hardly any people there it was this huge cavernous space with tiny clumps of people scattered around and it felt like a high school cafeteria were everyone was sitting with their friends or in this case girlfriends and boyfriends and didnt even notice me and i didnt really talk to anyone because i didnt know how. so i guess i didnt really acheive anything witht this night. oh well. i guess i will have to figure out if im a lesbian some other way. and i had my first kiss last night,with a soldier named woody in a sketchy pool bar called Banana Jo's on dyer who would have thought? it was mostly an experiement and im not sure what i learned from it, except that his tongue was way to big, it felt like an octopus tentacle in my mouth and i did not like how he started with his tongue, like a dog. but it was very interesting. and it also made me remember hoe sensitive i am to touch. he was touching my back and stomach and breasts and i thought i was going to die, i guess ina good way but i dont know. this is my last weekend in el paso and i am just doing whatever i want basically. i figure i might as well what the hell whenever i get scared i think of that dream i had a couple weeks ago where i realized that i was dreaming and therefore could do whatever i wanted like make myself fly. i am trying to remind myself that i have control over what i am able to do in real life as well. dont forget that okay? i hope you have had a fabulous year at school and taking control of who you want to be and what you want to do. I love you so much catherine