life and death

Dear FutureMe,
 so grandpa just died.
today has been a crazy day. im feeling that heavy zoned out sensation on my head and eyes again, so not really in the moment. i haven't showered since yesterday's morning because i hate showering here. but now I'll have to very soon cause we're sleeping here tonight again. you 100% remember this, but we were on our way back when mom got the call.
im not sure how long should i send this letter. part of me wants to set it to only a couple months from now, that seems more grounded and more certain to me. setting it to very long to the future feels so weird, like I'll never read it. needless to say I've been feeling a sense of dread today.
in the car, the sun was setting and the air was heavy in the car. the atmosphere was so off. I felt like something was gonna happen, like a car would suddenly run us over or something. it felt like *****, something was wrong.
then the call came, and mom started screaming and crying. I should probably set this to be delivered longer than a couple months, because I know I won't forget this memory any time soon, so why bother describe it to you?
my head is so funky. I need to send an email so my "job". i hope bibo and the birds are okay. what a crazy day.
it makes me think about what will happen in the future. im an only child. im the only one that's gonna have to deal with my parents ***** and paperwork alone. bury. set everything up. this is making me feel so bad for the future. i tried imagining what it will be like when dad dies, so that i could understand my mom's wound further, but i just kept going back to the fact that im gonna deal with it alone. real life feels so far away sometimes
well, I feel far away. real life is always here, I just can't help not being there
today is an important day. lots of things will change from now on. today's also grandma's birthday, in case you forgot. so haunting to think he passed on that exact day. it's so uncanny. beautiful and haunting at the same time. i wish i could make my mothers pain go away. i fear she'll have a heart complication or something.
i remember the day after my first heartbreak, i felt so bad. can't imagine what a big loss like that will do to me. or what that does to anyone.
i think i am, definetely, scared of dying. i have been thinking about that a lot lately, especially after that dog bite incident last month or so. when the thing i was talking abt happened right at the exact same time... it made me realize that even if a thing its unlikely, it can still happen. and you might be manifesting it by thinking about it.
im scared of dying. on paper im not, but thats just like my far away from reality thing.
im hearing lots of voices now, i think lots of people arrived. i need to take a bath. art fights on the corner. i need to work. i should be working tomorrow, but I can't anymore. i need to send that email. or not, i don't care (don't you, really?)
life is insane. **** me, **** you, **** everything. there's no **** explanation. there doesn't need to be, but it's so surreal.
though I keep thinking that this is the only way it could have been. if life wasn't a thing, there wouldn't be any contemplation about it. the only way this is allowed to happen is if life IS. so it is. against all odds. or none, who knows the reason. it makes me want to bang my head on the wall. not understanding makes me feel even more far away. i live in my head, essentially. im going now. I guess I'll set this to a year. yeah. idk how to end this. hi.