A letter from Jun 23, 2024

Dear FutureMe, it is the night before your 22nd birthday and I'm writing this to you, sitting opposite mum, a few screws short of a breakdown (if not already happened), sad, ******* lonely, heartbroken and just a **** mess. i used to say i was a mess before (maybe a hot mess lol) but this time i think it is just mess, no hot. it has been 3 whole months since the worst day/week/month of the year and everyone has told me "you're doing so good considering...", and i believe it to an extent. yes i am happy sometimes (I've just got back from seeing babies the musical and it was amazing!!!) but i'm also just always that one step off the cliff (metaphorically for now). i have never felt more alone, more unwanted, more ugly. but i know it is a process. and i know, i just know, i believe, that you, reading this now, is doing at least a bit better. hopefully. i now believe that you are the bravest person i know. and i know that you will try everything in your power this 22nd year to be great. great doesn't mean a swanky 30k media job or a new partner. great doesn't even mean new cool friends. great just means you get back up every time, you back away from the cliff when you get too close to the edge, you do things to better your mind and spirit, you are kind to yourself. right now, i feel like there is no worse feeling than this. and lets face it, it's up there in the top 5 but because of you, future zina, i believe in us. we are so capable of so many amazing things. so, i hope that this 22nd year, although full of tears i am sure, has seen us grow. i hope that maybe we are trying to be the best version of us, because trying is all that matters. unlike the last couple years, i won't even try and name names bc its just awks when it doesn't work out lol anyways, i know i don't think it enough but i do love you always & always want the best for us. stay safe at 23 darling, love from zina 21.999 (lol clever name me thinks)