A letter from Jun 12, 2024

Dear FutureMe, You just turned 28. Remember when you cringed at Patrick when he was turning 28? You were 23 and couldn't fathom approaching 30. I'm writing to you 10 days after turning 27. On the phone the other day, Mom was talking about her new hair lady and said "she was about 30, close to your age!" That was...rough lol. This time next year, your 10 year high school reunion will have happened, or will be about to happen. Did you go? If not, don't worry about it. You hated high school for a reason. It seems like some sort of rite of passage--something I'd always imagined my senior year in 2015. But you're an adult now. You have so many things to be grateful for and proud of. If you did go, I hope you went for the right reasons. I'm not entirely sure what those reasons would be yet, but I do know that honoring my inner teenager would be a good place to start. So many things have happened in the past year. A lot of pain but so so so much good. My last letter from Past Me was written October 3, 2022. Almost exactly a year before I got married. So just a reflection on the past year and a half from where I'm standing... You were unemployed for 13 months. Your physical and mental health took a major hit. Losing Gracie was the hardest thing you have ever gone through. You're still grieving as you write this. You've never known a loss like this. Your sister is still alive, but she's gone. She came to your wedding but she wasn't there. She seems to be deteriorating and there's nothing you can do to stop it. You're healing though. In fact, you've healed far more than you ever dreamed to be possible. You've accepted what's happened with Gracie. You still love her more than anyone in this entire world. You wait for her to find her own healing. You wait for her to come back to you. But you're okay with waiting. You understand that it isn't your fault; that no matter how hard you try, she's going to keep hurting you until she wants to help herself. You've accepted living in a world without her, even though that feels like a betrayal to her. There's so much she doesn't know about you anymore. But you've become strong. You passed your licensure exams in May '23. You turned 26. You planned a wedding. You were a bridesmaid in your cousin's wedding who got a divorce two months later lol. You had the most amazing bachelorette weekend in Miami with 10 of your best friends--yes, TEN of your best friends. Ten people flew across the country to celebrate you. That weekend you felt more loved than you've felt in your entire life. You may have been hungover puking your brains out the last day but it was the happiest you have felt in years. You had a bridal shower where even more women came to celebrate you. and and and 3 weeks later you had the most amazing day marrying Carter. You were shocked to realize how many people truly love you. You realized that not everyone has a support system like you do. You don't take it for granted anymore. You acknowledge the rare gift you've been given. Sometimes you feel like you don't deserve it. How could so many people show you so much sincerity, love, pride, and admiration? You ask yourself this question often, it feels so surreal even now. But it is real. That has to mean something, right? You try to remind yourself how much love you have to give others; how much love you have given to others. You know it's time to accept the love you deserve. Carter loves you so much. He shows it in everything he does. You are more in love with him than you've ever been. For a while you didn't understand that saying. Yes, you have always loved him, but in the aftermath of your trauma you never really allowed yourself to believe that he loved you as much as you loved him. You were terrified of the future and carried so much self-doubt, so did he. But over the past year you have seen him grow exponentially. He inspired and encouraged you to grow with him. He showed you patience and unconditional love and support. You deserve this love. He deserves the world. You went to Costa Rica for your honeymoon and did nothing but enjoy time with Carter. It may not have been the most exciting trip you've been on, but that time with him was so needed. All of the fights you had leading up to the wedding just faded away. 7 years together and you finally married him like you knew you would when you realized you were in love with him. You felt beautiful during that trip. He made you feel beautiful and so so loved. You got a job exactly 1 month after your wedding. First and only interview and hired on the spot. It took you a little bit to get started in building your case load because of the holidays, but in January '24 you saw your first clients. 6 months later you have about 10 clients. You know you'll have more soon but even with 10, It's a lot. You're feeling the weight of their trauma. You had a close call with one of them this week. Your teens love you though. You know you're making an impact. You're inner teenager is healing as you help others heal. You laugh a lot with the teens. They have so much pain and yet so much joy. You feel old but also you feel like you're still a teenager yourself, and know absolutely nothing. You have 2 supervisors who kinda stress you out--their approaches are vastly different, but you know that gaining both perspectives will help you grow as a professional. You're already starting to develop your own style and approach in your sessions. You're starting to get the hang of it. You're absolutely terrified and definitely have imposter syndrome but at the same time, you know you're exactly where you need to be. You have insanely high expectations for yourself and you're still learning to manage them. You have to keep reminding yourself that this is part of candidacy and that no one expects you to be perfect. After the wedding you were also diagnosed with EDS. You found doctors who care about you and believe you. You're finding ways to manage your pain. You're writing this with wrist braces on right now lol. You're going to be starting PT soon. You still have a long way to go but you're healing and you're persevering. Some days the pain is so severe it feels like you're literally dying. You tend to downplay your pain until it becomes so unbearable that you can't catch your breath. You're getting an ultrasound next week for ovarian cysts that you've likely had for years but the pain you experience everyday is so bad you hardly even felt anything. Your pain tolerance is insane, actually. You've been doing better at listening to your body and accommodating your disability. Comments from friends and family still get to you sometimes but you try not to internalize them. You're chronically ill but you're managing better than you thought you would. You've grown. A LOT. You lost a friend that you grew up with. It hurt a lot but you're doing okay without her. Your baby cousin took care of you that weekend. You are so incredibly grateful for your family and the true friends you have. What happened that weekend wasn't your fault. Her wedding is this weekend. You were supposed to be a bridesmaid, but you're more sad for her than you are for yourself. You often replay that weekend to try to identify what you did wrong. You've been able to see how much you've grown after that weekend, because you can't find anything that you did wrong. What happened wasn't your fault. You were there to celebrate her, and when something incredibly dangerous and traumatizing happened and she belittled, betrayed, abandoned, and hurt you. You gave yourself time to grieve the 15 year friendship you had with her, but when you're honest with yourself, you are confident in the decisions you made and are even more grateful for your true friends. You know there is likely more to it, that she is clearly going through something. But, you also know that you don't have to accept mistreatment from others anymore. You know your worth now. You turned 27 a little over a week ago. You've crocheted a million things and have gotten pretty good at it. You go to therapy every single week without fail and continue to work through the trauma. You have a long way to go but you have hope for the first time in years. That's the recap. I know so much more has happened as you're reading this. You should tell you about it. As for Future Me problems... I'm ready to have a baby. At least, some days I feel ready. I want to start a family but the world is so grim. War, injustice, women losing their rights to their bodies, the government slowly becoming christian nationalist, the trauma I see in so many kids at work, the economy collapsing, healthcare becoming an absolute joke, public education in the south becoming an absolute joke, climate change?? I'm disillusioned. I'm terrified for what the world will look like in another 27 years. I want to believe humanity will progress, that things will get worse before they get better. I have to believe that. Otherwise, what's the point of working as a counselor? Every ad I see online is for some type of at-home fertility test, subscription for supplements to boost your fertility, "eco-friendly" pregnancy tests, baby shower registry websites, etc. On top of that, my recent recommended youtube videos are podcasts hosting "fertility specialists" with clickbait titles like "THE SCARY TRUTH ABOUT PREGNANCY IN YOUR THIRTIES" or "WHY FERTILITY RATES ARE DROPPING" or "WHY 22 IS THE BEST AGE TO CONCEIVE" or "WHY YOU SHOULD FREEZE YOUR EGGS AT 25." Capitalism + social media algorithms are working overtime to make sure there are enough workers for the next generation. It's hard not to worry about fertility when I can literally feel, in this very moment, cysts bursting in both my ovaries. I want to know if I'm fertile, it's a worry I have often. Is it my very real reproductive health issues? Or am I just a victim of fear-mongering by corporations who want to exploit my demographic? Carter doesn't want a baby yet. I suppose he doesn't have the same irrational biological urgency as I seem to have inherited from every woman before me. His reasons are logical. I do agree with him. If I weren't concerned for what's going on with my reproductive organs, I would absolutely be fine waiting until my late 30s, even early 40s. I guess I'll know more next week after my ultrasound. Who knows, if I somehow get pregnant in the next 2-3 months, I could have a baby by the time I'm reading this next year. I could even be pregnant by the time I'm reading this. If there is a fertility issue, that's okay. Incredibly heartbreaking and painful, but it would be okay. Also, science is pretty cool these days. Maybe we'd have to wait a little longer, or figure out a different way to be parents, but it would be okay. I am strong. You are strong. I love you, future me. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to celebrate your accomplishments. You deserve to have compassion for yourself through whatever difficulties that lie ahead, I know you will survive it. Not only will you survive it, you will grow from it. You will endure pain and loss and become even stronger, and continue helping others in their journey through life. You deserve to forgive yourself for your mistakes. You deserve to have good days and bad days. You deserve to be human. You're doing the best you can, as you always have. <3