A letter from Jun 04, 2024

Dear FutureMe, Ok let’s do a real one. I just reread the one from me from 2020 and she was… hopeful lmaooooooo. So. Right now I don’t really listen to much music, but there’s this one song that I absolutely love and will always sing and hope to one day do it for karaoke. “Can’t fight this feeling” by Speedwagon. Haha. Also, I’ve gotten into this cool band Ghost and I like them a lot (I totally found out about them for their music and not from the masked men 👀). Right now I am jobless and I’m very hopeless. Everyone seems to be okay with that and simultaneously yells at me and blames me for it. Sigh. Let’s not get into that this is a happy letter! Haha! (I very much don’t want to **** myself haha that’s so crazy). Not much else is going on. I live a very depressing life. All of my friends are still at UWI, getting that piece of paper and doing something with their lives while I’m just… here. I feel really isolated because I don’t really… belong with them anymore in a sense? I don’t really have anything to bond over anymore because my situation is so different from theirs. It just kind of sucks. I feel really lonely. I’m going to be 20 in about a month, if I make it. (This is a happy letter, let’s not 😌). You know how we feel about that so I don’t have to say anything. OH! Also, it’s been over a year now and I’m still obsessed with Miguel. (The fanfic is also completed, I just need to edit the hell out of it.) I have rather unhealthily attached myself to him and I have no idea what to do about that. He’s my main coping mechanism. I just imagine him hugging and comforting me when I need it. That’s… sad. Hm. Anyways- I’ve really been leaning into liking massive men that I can tie up and have at my mercy. LMAOOOO. Yeah, we’re an adult now so. Tiddies. Very different from 2020 me frfr 😭😭 Uhhhh technically it’s pride month and I think I still identify as aromantic. Honestly I don’t really feel anything these days. When asked about my ********* I just… I don’t want to say a definitive yes or no because I have no means to test out anything. I still have never met someone who I genuinely liked in a romantic or ****** way so. But you know how I feel about Miguel and it’s just so confusing still you know? What else what else. I have no plans for the future, I dropped out of school and I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to do anything worthwhile until I get some ******* mental help. Anyways, that was what the last letter was about. Eh. Happy letter happy letter uhhhhhh. I’m sitting on my bed in the dark with the Christmas bulbs on and Sox is right next to me. I always hug him to sleep and he helps me fall asleep faster. Is that another coping mechanism? Crazy. Also, with the same lights, I took some more nudes and they didn’t come out that bad. I was more bold with it, but they were pretty good ngl. I did a workout for the first time in a long time yesterday and my thighs hurt. It wasn’t even for legs and it’s for postpartum mothers 😀. I’m contemplating if I should keep at it today because I just cried a lot and got yelled at from both sides and am feeling pretty suicidal ngl. I probably should. It’s either that or continue to lie down and cry some more. We’ll see. I should really brush my hair and at least put on the exercise clothes. I’d consider that a win honestly. I just feel so alone. So so so alone. I want to be hugged by someone I love and I want to feel warm and safe in their arms. I also feel scared. My body is on edge. Every little sound I hear my heart beats faster and I tense up. Like someone is going to come in and yell at me again. The doors opening and closing. The footsteps. The kitchen noises. I’m just scared in my own room. I mean, after what I just went through I can understand but still. I feel completely alone and like I’m the problem. Everyone keeps telling me that too. So maybe I am. HAPPY LETTER HAPPY LETTER ****- Hm. I’m really trying to be okay and somewhat positive. But I just went through something horrible and I just can’t. There’s just so much trauma and again I have no one who understands or cares. I don’t know what to do. I can’t go to sleep yet because all I had to eat today was two doubles and I snuck down to get some water. I couldn’t even see the man off because every bone in my body said not to. I couldn’t get off the bed. Everyone in the house is angry. More banging and kitchen sounds and yelling. I’m not okay and no one cares. Why would I think anyone would care anyways? My mother just yelled at me just as bad as he did and I’m pretty sure I felt something in me die. She’s just like him. I can’t handle two of them. I hate them so much. What else what else. We quit school and we quit piloting and we quit music. How much of that was because of our mental state? Probably more than I know right now. Everyone paints me out to be a failure and a quitter, but I don’t see it like that. I know we don’t see it like that. It’s very complicated and personal, so I know you definitely understand. It just sucks that no one else does. I really need that mental help though because I have to acknowledge that it’s a problem. I can’t do anything. It is a problem and I’m trying to get us help I really am. I wish I could hug you right now. Or you could hug me. I honestly think I need it more, but you never know. You could somehow have it ******* worse. And that hurts. I don’t even want you to be alive if I’m very honest 💀 we’ve known that for quite a while lmao. (How do I end this) Try to live, don’t try to live, I honestly won’t tell you what to do this time. It’s none of my business and I’m not you. Not yet anyways 😒. There. ♡