You Complete and Utter Chaotic Wonder

Dear fifteen year-old me, Honestly? I just got this idea from another FutureMe letter, they were fourteen, like I am. Oh! Have you memorised your times tables? Random question, yeah, but I'm wondering! Uhmm... Do you still write? Articles? Books? Scripts? Anything? I'm in the Journalism club right now, I joined a little while after Giulia was born! It's fun, and I enjoy writing about what I like. Right now, I'm writing about Louie Zong! I'm in the features department, the one that provides the articles, and we're under a 220 word limit :( I don't really follow it, but I don't go WAY over! Oh, Giulia is one right now, how is she? Is she what we expected or what? Have you taught her anything? I hope we become the big sister we wish we had.. I hope you don't bully her. I mean, we aren't really capable of bullying. I'd be less surprised if GIULIA was the one bullying YOU! How's school? Are you still in Filbrit? Have you graduated? I put the delivery date as "when I turn 18, random" since we don't even celebrate birthdays. If you're still in school, are you okay? Are you still in a club? Are Wayeth, Zabdiel, Jaslyn, Annika, Jake and Iorah still in Filbrit as well? I wonder if we stayed in Journalism. Fast subject change, I'm not saying we NEED to have a job, but I'm scared that we'll stay dependent forever.. Have we got that juvenile work permit? If you have, what do you work for? I can't believe that I'll be able to work in a year. Honestly, I have no idea what's going to happen to me. I want to do so many things but I can't; I want to make friends but it's so hard; I want to do well in my studies but I can't be bothered; I want to keep on doing art but it's getting so tiring; and I want to start on "Hello, World!" but it seems so far-fetched— far away. I want to do so much, but I'm doing so little. Sometimes I want to stay in bed all day, and most of the time I do. I feel guilty. The world around me is too much, but I can't face it like the woman I am. Ah, have you accomplished your goals— the ones on our wall? What does our wall look like now? What does our bed look like now? Still covered with pillows and stuffed toys? I feel weird. I wish I had changed in a year, but I wish I hadn't. I know that change is good, but it takes so long for me to accept it. Have you started "Hello, World!"? Louie and Judy are practically my brothers now. I always think of them and think of new scenes and stuff, but I'm still stuck on the first chapter, haha. Do we still have the same music taste? Y'know: Lamp, TV girl, Louie Zong, classical, jazz, bossa nova... That sorta stuff... I understand if it changed, but I really like my music taste! Are you still playing Animal Crossing? If our island hasn't been replaced? Well, it probably hasn't been replaced. Right now I'm playing on Honeycrisp, and I'm trying to get KK on my island! My villagers are: Diva, Coach, Cranston, Bianca, Norma, and Lucha recently moved in! My schedule for playing has been on-and-off since Dad got his job. I don't even have a schedule, haha. Sometimes I feel like the world is trying to wear me down. There are so many choices, but I'm struggling to choose just one. It's like I make my mind up and then two other choices pop up out of nowhere. If this is what life is like at fourteen, then I pray that it doesn't get worse. Better yet, I pray for the will to live. I'm growing up. And in a year, I'll reach the age I thought was so very far away. Fifteen, huh? It sounds so young, yet so old. It sounds like, ugh, adolescence. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I HATE that I'm growing up! I hate it with a burning passion! It feels like I'm being forced to! I'm being forced to grow up! I'm being forced to be ladylike, I'm being forced to care about my appearance, I'm being forced to have my period, I'm being forced to have harder subjects in school, I'm being forced to abandon my CHILDHOOD, I'm being forced to be CHILDBEARING, I'm being forced to be insecure. I'm being forced. It's all forced. I hate that I had more fun when I was ten. I hate that I think of that time and wish I was still there. I sound like Asuka when she got her period. Wow. My wording was just more like Shinji. I can't believe I just thought of Neon Genesis. What is wrong with me. What would you like to tell me? What would you like to chika to me now that you're fifteen? I hope you always stay true to yourself. I think I'd like to end this letter on that note. Warmest regards and take care, You when you were fourteen