As always, long overdo.

My Dearest Joe, Well.. it's been a long time. I write this letter from what is probably a distant place to you. Forgive my negligence these many many months, but the truth is, I had forgotten you. But this night, I am particularily lethargic. I was looking through some of my old computer files and I came to an old Xanga site.. Chris and Tomi's. After reading some of their last entries (which ended abruptly in 9/04), I went into my e-mail and found the one letter that Tomi had written me in her entire life. It was... a long time ago.. but still, as I read the letter, a fountain bursts from the stream of emotions that is always flowing within me. In the letter, she talked about how she is changing. How many kids at that age are willing to admit it in such a way as she did? She truly was a special girl. I wonder now, where is she now? Has she lost those qualities I once so treasured? I have a burning desire to find out. I resolve on this night that no matter what the cost, I will find out what happened to her. I will search high and low so that my mind can be at ease. Change, indeed, is a fickle thing. My second year of college is soon to start and I am in the middle of a lot of moving stress. I am slightly nervous about roommates, but not so much so. I've come a long way, I think. We have come the distance together. It started out as a silly joke.. the Hungry Treaty - do you remember? What became of that? As humorous as it was when started, it did help nonetheless. I have become more outgoing and I try my hardest to be as sincere and kind with not only friends, but strangers as well. As I enter into my second year of college, it becomes more and more clear what my role is in my life and in that of those around me. Perhaps I am wrong, but in many of my relationships with other people, there is... discomfort. To be honest, I am not at ease with always being the one to initiate conversation or set up a meeting. But my loneliness is greater than my unease. It is not right to say that I am a flawed man, but sometimes it feels like I am. When I am being sincere, they accuse me of being rude and sarcastic. Why? Generosity, when taken advantage of makes a fool out of a kind heart. And yet there are those who make a fool out of me. The blame is not on them though, for I know my part in it as well. I don't understand how I can feel so lonesome when I am constantly surrounded by friends and family. As close as I am, there are things I feel they couldn't understand and so I confide instead in you, the future. It is important. But how important is it really? When people are busy, how important is their business? It could be going to work, studying for a test, or just hanging out with your friends. When you notice how others break down their schedules, it can be quite amusing. Of this matter, I will not go into great detail for I am sure you have thoroughly analyzed this issue by now, perhaps to the point of overkill. Thinking all these thoughts stirs up many things inside of me that I was not sure I had at all. It is a conglomeration of anger and bitterness, nostalgia, frustration, worry, fear, yearning, contentedness, and love. Normally, I would invent some gibberish word to describe this particular conglomeration, but my creative mind is put to sleep right now. My fingers itch for the guitar so that my mind may sing freely, but my creativity is dead. However, that is something that I am glad of, for if it were not, I would be playing guitar instead of writing this. I have sang many soulful songs with my guitar, but they don't last, for I have no audience and I cannot remember even a minute later what I sang about. Those songs are emotional journeys, a bit like this letter. But I always end a song feeling much more relieved and at ease. Right now I still harbor great amounts of unrest and discomfort. It almost feels as if my heart is physically in pain. Perhaps I am overthinking everything and my random sessions of reminisce and aching heart is nothing more than the result of a week of difficult manual labor. But that is unlikely. Everyone talks about friends worth keeping. but I am just a supplement. People don't go looking for me, but if I happen to be there, even the most intimate of thoughts may be confided in me. Is no one extended this same offer to me? It is an offer I make as often as possible and I've been taken up on it a fair number of times. Those who lay eyes on these words have most likely taken up this offer. But as of yet, those who have offered the same for me have commited all just short of treason. Those people who make such an offer just to make themselves look better will use you in your times of weakness. I am not a strong person, no, not always. I have been manipulated, I have been twisted and bent to meet a sadist's grim satisfaction. I've been tortured by those who feel powerful in making others feel useless. Betrayed by those I once thought my friends, ignored by those I once thought my closest friends. In all honesty, this letter is probably my cry for help. It is the only plausible reason why I would be writing this in my weary state. You are my future. You can help me. When I depart, it is up to you to take those steps to make things right. It can be done. You know what you have to do. And so I leave you with this charge: Seek out the one with answers and follow the orders with utmost priority, surpassing that of your own life. That is where the help is. Only you can help me, and I can only be helped after you are helped, so help yourself with the help availible and then you can begin helping me. PS - Seek closure. no.. nix that.. for you have already sought closure and have mostly succeeded. Instead, learn to distinguish where closure is needed and where you need to look back to learn from the mistakes that have been made. Forever, your old self.