A letter from Mar 20, 2024

I can't write you a birthday message at this point. This is just a random message containing all of my thoughts right now which is March 21, 2024 2:44am, hours before we bid our goodbyes. I'm here not to tell you how much I love you but would say I hated you, I know you told me it will be better and I will be just fine without you. I hated you I hated you for making myself grieve for you. I hated you for making me capable of loving someone to the point I can't love myself anymore. I hated you for making me feel like it's okay staying for someone selfish as you. I hated you because you're all I got at that time and you'd still leave me in just a blink of an eye. But I know I'm just bluffing myself right now saying things I couldn't even tell you in person because I know from myself I could never hate you after all the ****** things you did from the past. I couldn't hate the first person who let me experience what actually love is, I couldn't hate the person who I tried all of my first times, I couldn't hate the person who knows me deeply, I couldn't do that to the boy whom I loved so much. If only you could read my mind at that time, how much i badly wanted to keep you, to make you stay, to make you fix things in myself and yours, to make you love me the way I love you. I kept questioning, maybe a year from now still questioning, would you be able to stay that night if could read what's running on my mind that time? The thoughts of wanting to die just because the love of my life left me after all we've been through, the amount of sadness I did feel that time, did you felt it too? If you'd know how much it ***** me to let you go would you still stay? Probably not. I knew you as a person and as a lover. I knew that the moment you wanted me out, and so you wanted me out from your life. It hurts, till now it hurts realizing I've been through that blinding myself from all the signs you gave me that you were giving us up. I was sad, Im still sad. I couldn't have you as my husband which we originally planed. Remember those times we were picturing out what our house would look? You wanted minimalist but homy, and i wanted cute stuffs and pretty things as our decorations. You wanted one and only girl kid, and I wanted seven kids. You chose thot daughter over *** son and we were fighting over that topic, it makes me smile to remember that cherished memory of mine. But one thing I tell you, and the end of the day, you were always be the guy I fell inlove first, the guy who made me special, the guy who saved me from my hell hole, the guy I was crazily inloved with. Its been a year had past, and both of us probably has our own life to worry, a relationship to work out and cherish, or probably both of us is already happy in our own separate worlds. Even all of that angst, I want to let you know that my heart will always be pure to you, I may be hating you for now but we both know I would always forgive you over and over again. I will always be your shipooh who has your back, the girl that could accept you fully no matter what. The woman would always hope for us, and the woman that would wait even until next life. Its been a year but this message won't tell you any good things about your love life nor even in the future, because who can't blame me, I'm still bitter for not able to keep you by my side. But we both know this will pass eventually, maybe years and years from now I will be witnessing you delivering your wedding vow to your bride while me at the back of the beach cheering and being happy for what a man you've become. I may not be wishing you about your love life for now but I'm here to tell you a goodluck on your journey in life, I'm wishing your peace and happiness from my heart. I know that without me and you can still be the Miguel I always known for. I would always love you my baby, you will be forever engraved in my weak and dusty heart and I will never forget the love you made me experience. You know the quote I read from somewhere I can't remember saying... "You left, but you never really ​left..." This is probably the end of this message so I hope this reach you on your Birthday :) ​​Happy birthday beh, i miss you so much and i badly want to feel you right now but I know that will never happen. So for now I will be wishing you good day to celebrate as I wasn't there to celebrate with you just like in year 2023. I hope we will be meeting again, catching up what we've been missed from our own lives in such whole year. If you see me without any man at this day, my dm still free for you to send a hello message and let us treat each other as a friend. Maybe right now I'm already healed from all of the things we've done from the past. Mag ingat ka always beh.. ​I loved you. Your's truly ​Shipooh