A letter from Jan 18, 2024

Dear FutureMe, I wrote a long letter yesterday, but as I mentioned, I still have a lot to write. Right now it was compelled to write about school again. More specifically: being sad that I'm away from the friends I made, sad I'm missing out, nervous I made the wrong decision (especially because I don't think I have a reason to go back), sad I can't get closer to some people who I think are cool, sad thinking about what one more semester in dance could've been like. I miss my roommate and her cat that she only just recently brought. I miss Hlaey and Aimee. I miss the piano practice rooms they had. I miss the dining hall. I miss seeing Paul and Rory around campus. I miss the sub sandwiches at North. I wish I had my **** together to enjoy everything at school before I left. I wish I had let myself spend more time with friends even though I had something to get done because it's not like I spent that time productively anyway. I wish I had gone downtown more. The few times I did go, I went in a lot of cute stores. I wish I had gone to the movies. I wish I had the money to eat out, buy things at the stores, buy movie tickets. I always felt guilty about things when I was there, which is part of why I'm taking some time off. I need to relax, not be so anxious. Being a perfectionist with my assignments was a fatal flaw of mine. I never submitted many assignments because I thought I didn't understand the instructions well enough, rereading, never quite finishing anything, and I ended up never submitting them because I felt like it was too far gone and it wasn't worth it to submit anymore. I miss the social and living aspects of school already, but my only reasons/motivations for wanting to go back were all social and not academic. It would've been a waste of money and a huge pain to put myself through just because I think I can or should. I never even signed up for courses. My schedule would've been a mess because of signing up late, because I'd have to meet with someone weekly about my newly awarded status of academic probation, and because I didn't want to be a geography major anymore and wanted to focus more on chemistry but didn't feel prepared to get into it not knowing my direction in fear of making the same mistake as I did with geography. I need to email my professor about taking the final at a later date still and I also need to move my stuff out of my room. I'm really sad about that part. I don't want to take my stuff out. The room will look all empty and sad. I feel really bad for leaving my roomie too. She's been really understanding about it though and I think that really helped me feel better finally deciding what to do. After talking about it with her we both realized and understood that it wouldn't make sense or be a smart decision to come back to school. I missed her so much during break. I didn't think that would be the last time we would be living in that room together. I also really hate to think about how those last weeks of the semester went, especially the last few days when I got sick. There were so many things we wanted to do together and I was so excited to spend spring and the end of the school year with her again. I was getting so much more comfortable there and I was putting so much work into that. I think if things were different, I would've been able to get really comfortable there. Maybe that's ambitious to say. I imagine myself finally with a campus job, in dance, maybe in both dance groups, finally hanging out with people in my dances outside of practice, having more people over our room for something small, movie nights, eating cereal, parties at the bigger dorm apartments, getting more comfortable talking to professors and staying on top of emails+assignments. I think it's super ambitious actually. Maybe if I had the right balance and motivation to do it then I could do some of those things, but the motivation isn't there and I think taking time away from school will be much better for the balance I have to offer and the stuff I'm figuring out right now. Anyway, I still have to email my professor and study. I really don't want to, but it's the last thing I have to finish up and it might feel better if I finish it off on a higher note. (Part of me thinks it's hard to get the motivation to study and stuff because what's really gonna happen if I get a bad grade on the final?) That reminds me that I also need to check my grades. They cannot possibly look that great, but I'm crossing my fingers!