A letter from November 23rd, 2023

Peaceful right?

Hey future me how are we doing now?
Its our last thanksgiving before being an adult, moms and Kuya are sick. It's been a bad couples of years hasn't it. Right now we're a bit sick too, a real nasty bug it is. Todays the first day we've been able to get up and around. I just want to know why we've been so unlucky.
Four damned years of hell. All four years of high school have been completely miserable. There's been pockets of light keeping us going, but it really feels like this damned streak of misery is never gonna end. I'm being selfish I know that, but why can't I be happy. I should be wishing mom could be happy, but I'm such a terrible kid that all I can do is think about myself. Why couldn't I have any good birthdays, Christmas's, ******* summer breaks. Why couldn't I have just one thing. Every little accomplishment and event was overrun by someone else. So what we couldn't go snowboarding, so what Kuya ruined it. So what he had to be admitted back into the psyche historial. So what we failed all our classes our junior year the most ******* important one. So what we haven't turned in all college application when they're all due in 5 days. So what if you preformed for your school so what you represented your culture for the mayor.
What's the point of all of it if we're not happy. if nothing matters, if I don't even want to be alive. why does any of it matter. but I still want to be happy, is that selfish of me. to wish to be truly happy for once. To not find things that I think should make me happy that others expect me to smile and laugh at. I've felt so empty for so long. But I know I shouldn't. I have nearly everything I could ask for don't I?
I have a mother I have an amazing step dad I have a big brother I have friends right I have my family.yet I'm not happyyet I still cry with an empty head.
even now tears stream down my face, still my head reamains empty. only in times like this do my thoughts not hurt.
Everything is to much. but it'll all my fault. if I could be normal, if i wasn't such a coward everything would be okay.
Maybe if I was just a bit stronger I wouldn't be such a burden.
this is my promise- I will make it to graduation, then I'll leave maybe move across the world where no one can find me where I can learn to love myself.

Epilogue

11 months later

I’m almost done with my first year of university. It has been a struggle. As always math and us don’t get along. We’ve failed one semester of math most likely...

Oging as lfia ihts to tenx one elwl. Rgtae otn its’. T’dno i nokw ot do hawt ubt. .
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I ateh tseeh tertels wintrgi. Tshi tno im’ iwgnirt if ofr zahy cndiueae i hatt ni ’im llet i or yaw ysflem eilgefn endwro orf fi my eht an luytr tsge ’actn hy?w rniab ubt oonitn. Ntgntnieeria on vhea ot a fo nede i mtso rvsonie ahtt gape selfmy eth. Iwitgrn rfom rsdwo i’m em mginco rea lal ehest eht ro atcherr. Asescr em it. .
Ta eth ot hatt i bmeya ayrdfe ro tyrlu cdrase eedsg im’ cfta fcae ma eth. Rolfo ti su het wwollas unedsd lsfal liek mya nad ’tis lsefe neegfil eht henw a lrodw htta ,edlge oevr woleh klie hte wehre lal loko fo ew. Eefl atlcylua grwinit ew int’s wdno havey ifadar how npis eth seruersp eilwh us htta ahtt. Ev’ew ooslf skam enve trcdeea that us own the. We deep nokw olts our that ttah wev’e even in fnalel eev’w fadari ohw tgnteo so dusiesgi dtno’. Renve ot smee eems elfe teh lrae atth ,isctk ot ady nisefgle nveer atth yad ot. We rssueloev nyriethveg no to when su trtsa how we rdwos noce rapep hist reufsde lla ef,el tuptgni let at. .
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Vene ,hmuc rfmo ilftse prenso its sst,vmeleeh wno so to unilt nloy a pottcer ettolrea neve ormf nac biarn rethi taoinsc decseid. Tub or t’si a *** ielk afltrlewa a t’is el,hcci. Myabe idprs, a woh sarstt it wef iwth a ikelctr. Cone all lafls rofeeb at gtiyrehenv. Eth hte wdrol isth hatw enco lla ilke fo sesme gwthei at. I bcka vene enve nowk in illts geinb lhde etehr eotsh nad anc is t,enh stmoenm, nmtosehig. .
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A ndrfei ’ewve new dmea. Ot mssee iectofdn,n aehv i omer if deecdi tey it ynionnag but ngaithyn i’m hnat keil ew mroe ear caigtn.
Mi’ drcaes. .
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Owdrl hte me rscase. Ti nigkwa to ska metonm stop chea i. Ehva nto btu one am fo i het od onr prewo i dgo. .