Howdy.

Dear FutureMe, That's the original header. I'm drunk, and I'm sure you expect that I'm going to be drunk at this point. So far, um, well, you should be ready for med school. I wish I could promise you a rose garden. I wish I could promise you anything at all, Tonight, I finished 2005's ER; it's 2006; you're in 2007. You have one more year of prereqs before you're a doctor. Am I scared that you've found a better alternative? Beau said that you'd be a great ER doc (that's your boss. Is he still your boss? Isn't that great? Or are you peers, yet? You wish you were); you think the same, or you wish you could, but you're a little squeamish. Your ER rotation ("ER," I mean, the show, not the place) was meant to squelch the ick. You're fine, now, I suppose. I suppose a lot. I have no idea what's coming to you. I might tell my therapist (she BETTER be gone by now!) that I wrote myself an email. For the future. For the future. I am being presumptive! These folks must have had to deal with the fact that people die within a year. I wonder how many. I should ask. Say (we're pretending we have a case interview -- that's something that I've always wanted, 'cause my pretend imaginative math skills couls always use a beating) that 18-25 year olds -- naw, don't pretend. 25-34 year olds (you wish you were young! you're just not old) are dying at...well, not a frequent rate. I'd look it up, but it's irrelevant, and this is stupid. I wonder if I'm setting the tone of my future year right now. I wonder if the voice inside my head (it's not a crazy) (that's to anyone who'd read this. I'm not...cra...zy) (That's drunk and dumb and by dumb I mean 18 years old) (oh, angela, are you my friend? linda? sean? who the hell is? mo is. god, i hope. this is so harrowing) (all my processing -- it's being pushed down by a line -- is in parentheses) i wonder if my head voice is more mature. i wonder if i'm a smarter man. i wonder if i get it, now. am i faking medicine? am i faking everything? hey, the "faking everything" should be a flag that nothing's very interesting in here. but in all honesty: i know i'm a fascinating man. this decision clinched it. and now? what do i do? am i still doctor-bound? ... probably, if i know my history. i'm stubborn. god blesss me god bless me and all my faults and all my crazy and all my foolishness. so here is my problem i am a fool. and that's my blessing. the first tarot card. never face down do i communicate well. then i babble and not babble productively. sorry to bore you. oh wow i assume i'll be really tetchy in the future. as i pee, i need to think of a good closing. WOW is my apartment a shithole (stop making your apartment a shithole) in my apartment, shades drawn 'cause i'm naked. bluetooth. wine. rabbit. cadaver of my "chinese" meal (so poncy!). measuring cup with a razor inside (remember? you bought a razor with Jeff Savage; you wanted to return it; you likely didn't (remember your thumbdrive rebate? it's a check from your past self!) and never used it anyway) oh who am I now? to send an email to my self in the past? love i really do love you. more than you love me. ... holy shit, i'm going to read this. i love you so much! but not as much as i love me a year ago. yeah, that's true. god i was happy now i'm miserable. not miserable. scared. i'm not in misery (misspelled! drunk. rewritten.) i'm just sad. tonight i broke up with jerry. what will his role in my life be? is this an amazing therapeutic device? ... yes, well, it makes me think new thoughts. so god bless it. mark hodar said that i had ocd, but he meant "adhd" and he isn't stupid. i want to call him on that. LEARN ME, KID. LEARN ME TO BE A MAN. oh god i send this with my love and fear which may not be far apart love john