A letter from Jun 22, 2023

Dear Ava, It feels like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, and no matter where I go, I can’t make friends who love me the way I love them. I can make acquaintances fine, but making friends—real friends—is so hard. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it. All my life I have tried and failed and there are plenty of things I’ve been okay with failing at. I’m not great at math. I’m not athletic. Whatever. Those things don’t matter. But I’ve tried to make good friends and I can’t do it, so I tried to like being alone and I can’t do that either. I just feel so hopeless. I feel like there’s no point. I sent this letter forward by two years hoping that by now, the summer of 2025, something has changed. I’m not going to predict anything because it’s so far away. I just hope that by this time in my life, I’m happy. I just want to be happy. I just want to have friends. Why does that work out for everyone except me? The logical answer to that question would be: because it’s my fault, and that’s what I think. But when I tell Laura this, she says it isn’t. She says it’s more complicated than that. I don’t know if it is. I’m not intentionally driving people away or hurting them, ever. I’m a good friend. But it can’t be that I’ve just had bad luck for sixteen years straight. I have to be doing something wrong. Am I gravitating towards the wrong people? Am I asking too much? Am I irritating or controlling? I don’t know, and Laura can’t tell me, and it’s really upsetting. I don’t think Mom really gets it. She says I just have to keep trying, which is true, but she says it like it’s the easiest thing in the world, and it isn’t for me. I’m just uncomfortable with trying. Of course, if I don’t try, I don’t get anywhere, so I am trying. I’m just tired of trying. But if I get tired of trying, things will get really hard, and I’ll think about ******* myself again and I don’t want to do that, so I keep trying even if I’m tired of it, which makes it harder. I know this is a first world problem and I’m just a kid and it won’t be this hard forever, but it’s been this hard all my life. I don’t know another way of living other than being kinda lonely, so it’s hard to see the bigger picture. I only have two options. The first one is ******* myself, which isn’t really an option for a lot of reasons. The second is just to keep going the way I am. Pray and wait and try and pray and wait and try over and over until something changes. I just have to keep going. I have to keep going. If I was able to speak with you, I’d probably ask you if you know now why I couldn’t make and keep friends at sixteen. Why they always leave or why I like them more than they like me. I’m so disappointed in myself for this. I just really, really want it more than anything. More than a car or college or money or anything, I want to not be alone anymore. It’s probably coming, so I’m hanging on. It’s probably coming. I’m on my period so I’m probably pretty emotional rn. Just wanted to get my feelings out, and hopefully you won’t have felt them for a really long time when you get this letter. Sincerely, Ava