A letter from June 3rd, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I have no friends. I have no friends. I realized that while reading a Bakugo-centric fanfiction on 2:21 am on a Saturday. I realized that when I closed my eyes and turned to sleep only to realize no one would do that for me. No one would realize what I like and dislike from my body language, the way i do to other people. No one would realize I was upset because my birthday hangout got ruined by the weather and then immediately make a surprise party to lift my mood the way i did to Iten 2 days ago. I realized I deserve better. Because wherever Sara (bless her. I love her sm) notices something's wrong with me and asks if I'm okay I break down. Every. Single. Time. I realized I deserve better. Because when I was secretly looking at Solaf from far away for the first time and when we finally talked and she told me she wanted to be my friend so much just as me from the beginning I was so shocked I felt bad for myself. I felt pity for myself. Because I never imagined someone to like me like I like them. The one time she told me I was cool, I screenshotted it. Then I screenshotted it 2 more times just to be sure. My tears have just dried and I'm realizing I deserve so much better than people who leave their friend alone at breaks because it was hot and they wanted to go home. So much better than people who ask once and barely wait to hear the answer of 'do you want to come with us?' I deserve better than people who leave their friend desperately trying not to cry in school until I get home. That was 2 days before I threw her a surprise party. Before I fought for it to convince every single girl to come. And when it was only three and 1 risking to bail I still did it. And waited on my flat foot for 40 minutes in the sun and the dust for malak to arrive so we can make it better. ...I didn't even get a thank you. I'm starting to cry again and I'm starting to realize I really don't deserve this. It's 2:32 and I'm wondering if I'm better off without friends. If it's something wrong with me that I don't deserve having friends who care.