A letter from Feb 10, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I'm writing this from bed at 1:38 a.m. 10 days after top surgery. We made it. I didn't expect it but we did. I've just read last year's letter and it was depressing, but at least I know I'll be okay. Back then I was barely alive, now I'm really happy I survived. I surely am nervous about how my chest will look in a year, but for once, my nerves aren't anxiety, they are excitement. I hope you are happy with how you look, right now, lying in bed in a little bit of pain and concerned about my left nipple, I am truly happy, I didn't think this was a thing. I thought happy people had everything, lots of friends, family, money, no drama in their life, but I'm starting to think it's not about that. I still don't have many friends and oh boy my family is dysfunctional, but I'm okay, I want to live, I want to see my future. Today I was deleting old emails when i found one from 2020, it was a suicide lifeline that had rejected me, there were 3 emails from that lifeline, all rejecting me from mid2020 to late2021. I'm so glad they didn't bring me down. I thought about applying to the lifeline waitlist again, just to see if I could get in, but then I thought, why would I? I don't need it, and I hopefully won't ever need it again. Since last year's letter I've hit some milestones, I've started T, I've lost my fear of doctors (and discovered that most of them are the purest people in the world and they need to be protected), finished my first year as male, gotten too surgery, had my grandfather gender me correctly... I've probably hit some more I don't remember. But I am excited I'll hit more this year, and next one. Life is worth it, I'm just so happy i can't believe, i really love you, please don't forget that. Keep loving yourself, Nico.