A letter from Jan 25, 2023

Dear FutureMe, hi! i havent written one of these in a while so. im doing it! this one is for the good ole year of 2025. yeesh thats like.. two years later! wow. two whole years. i wonder what we'll have done until then. i wanted to talk to you about something that happened today. if you remember, i downloaded tinder a few weeks ago and today i matched with a guy. he was nice and he was attracted to me at the very least and he wanted me? i guess. we had the same ideals for a relationship and i knew something was going wrong but i agreed when he asked me out anyway. i agreed to everything. i dont know why i did he was just some random person i met. i didnt owe him anything. anyways i just, reached a point i suppose and i started feeling horrible. i didnt want to talk anymore just forget everything that had happened and i wanted to wake up as if this was a dream. i dont know why i felt like that. wasnt it my dream to be loved wholly? fully until i burst open? why did i run away when someone promised that to me? why did i get scared? i was terrified. i didnt realize until the last moment and my lies crumbled up over me. why wasnt i happy? why am i not happy? was this not my one wish? i dont understand. nothing was wrong. maybe we went too fast but that shouldntve been a problem right? i found someone near obsessed with me. i cant pass up this opportunity so why am i... so unhappy with it? im realizing i dont know myself quite as well as i thought. what other lies have i believed? my brain just... when it takes something as fact it doesnt change it. forever. so something i've believed to be real becoming.. not so is earth shattering to me. i cant wrap my head around it. i cant understand myself. how do i not know myself? how could i make such a easy mistake? why now? how did i not.. realize it before? this has happened a lot more than i first thought. this isnt the first time. this is.. the third? right? first emre and then that one girl on discord.. now this. i dont know. i dont understand. im connecting the dots but theyre not making sense. god i need to talk to someone. you i guess? do you know why? can you tell me? its okay if youre still unsure. maybe its for the better. i just... feel like my dreams have been utterly broken. is this my "you cant fight jets if you're colorblind" moment? huh. i feel... hollow. my throat hurts. i want to cry but why would i? what am i crying over? i just cant understand why this is happening to me. i dont want to understand i dont... i dont want to know. thats all for me from today. i dont know what i hope for you two years later but. i hope youre happy with the life youre leading. i really hope so. i think i really really do