You Could Die

My cousin sent me the strangest text message of all. He told me that he dreamt about me dying in a car accident. To be more precise, he told me that I got hit by a truck. Funny how I've been thinking about the exact same thing. In my spare time ( and I do have lots of it ) I think about my own death scenarios. I've imagined dying from cancer ( yikes ). I've imagined dying a hero. But one thing that really keeps playing over and over is the thought that I could die from a car accident. Actually, I imagined that I would get hit by a truck. Subconsciously, it's probably my greatest fear. To be hit by a big truck that is. I think that it's a bloody way to go but then, dead people don't get to choose their own demise. It's probably not coincidental that my cousin is dreaming of the exact same thing that I've been thinking about for these past couple of years. He's probably having some kind of a premonition. Or he could be picking up on my vibes. Or he's probably just not feeling well. They say that people who are going to die know that they're going to die before they actually kick the bucket. They say that you get this feeling that it could be the end of the line before it actually is the end of the line. I've been getting that a lot. Although it could be just my depression cause by my malady. I've been having pelvic pain on and off for ten months now. I've been thinking about my own mortality a lot. I've been bargaining to God not to take me yet but I think death is non-negotiable. If it's your time to go, it's time to go. I'm scared of my actions sometimes. Yesterday, I got myself a life insurance. And as I mentioned, I've been having feelings that I'm going to bite the dust. Maybe it's all just a prelude to the big D. Maybe I really am going to die. But I feel sad at the thought that I could go any minute. I haven't accomplished anything. I haven't published a book ( a cookbook, travel book, instruction manual, etc. ) or haven't made love to a guy I really, really love. I haven't breastfed my own baby. Or told bedtime stories to my little ones. I haven't experienced the KISS-- the kind that makes you forget all your troubles. I haven't experienced true happiness. I haven't told my parents how disappointed I am for the way they handled that particular incident in my childhood. I haven't gotten drunk yet or thrown a tantrum since I was six years old. I haven't fainted. I haven't marched down the aisle. I haven't been to the glorious island of Santorini, Greece. I haven't made pasta with my bare hands. I haven't baked the perfect cake or haven't cooked the perfect dish. There are so many things that I haven't done yet. There are so many things that I want to do. I want to fall in love with the right guy. I want to have a family. I want to be a doctor. I want to have kids. I want to drive on the autobahn. I want to live and work in America. I want to go out on dates. I honestly hope, it's not the end of my existence yet. I hope I'll be here next year to laugh about the silly things that I've written about here. How can I die when I haven't even lived yet???