Written on March 1 2006

Dear FutureMe, I don't know who I am. Who I'm meant to be; who'll I'll become. ...all I know is that it's almost midnight, and I'm in a dirty apartment, all by myself. My dog occassionally moves in his sleep. I think the cat is somewhere making trouble. Online, I read a profile of a semi-ugly woman who is "practically married" to someone I thought I loved. They started dating maybe a month or 2 after he and I broke up. Has it been so long? No, not terribly. I try hard to be happy for them. I try hard not to wish him a flesh eating disease and for her to be barren. Hundreds of miles away, another ex is sitting in an airport, reading a book. I know because I called him. He'll be reading all night until he can't stay awake any more, then he'll curl up on the floor, and sleep. He and I share an apartment together. He's been such a huge part of my life. And even though he still is, it's changed. What we had is tainted. I think it would have been kinder for us to make a clean break; not try to do the "still friends" thing. At least then my memories of him would have been true---not of the shadow semi-relationship we've had ever since. I hate him. But I love him so much it makes me want to cry. I do cry, like he used to right after we broke up. But I was too cold; too wrapped up with Boy in paragraph number 1 to care too much. All I cared about was that Boy 2 was annoying me, and I couldn't wait to see Boy 1 again. Now I don't have either. I have a dirty apartment. A dog. 20 lbs of fat to lose before June. And a mound of debt. I have acne. And everyone I've EVER loved...is...gone. Emotionally...physically...geographicly....gone. brother is in Texas. So is dad. Mom's wrapped up with an asshole many hours away. Ex's...are...ex's.... and my friends...gosh...who has real friends any more? Time to go take my anti-depressents, eat some more, get fatter, and go to bed. Ten un buen noche, Me