A letter from Oct 19, 2022

Dear me in 2025, Hey. So BTS are enlisting… 😭😭. Not so slay. I feel like we’ll never go back to how BTS were pre-covid. But not even just BTS themselves, but the whole environment if that makes sense. I miss how everything was back then. Maybe it’s because I don’t like change that much. I just feel like ever since Covid started, it’s been one thing after another. Like BTS announcing a break from group activities during Festa. I cried. Especially when ‘For Youth’ came on later that day. Like ****, what a personal attack 💀. I felt like everything had stopped, and that we would never go back to how it was pre-Covid. But I especially cried when I realised that the members felt the opposite during those days compared to my happiness. But then it got better after a bit. Then came the enlistment notice. I wasn’t exactly upset at first, I knew it was gonna happen eventually. But it terrifies me how much time has gone by since I first became a fan. Jin was 25 and now he’s 30 enlisting in the military. He should be turning 33 this year, and I should be turning 23 in a few months. 23. I was 15 when I became a fan. 15. So much time is going by and I regret not enjoying the experience as much as I could have. I always just assumed they would be there, even though realistically I know this isn’t possible. I bet they’ll be hot with their hair shaved. I’m just scared for the future, what if something happens to them between now and when you receive this letter? Other than the announcement of Yoongi and I’s marriage of course. I don’t think I can deal with anything else at the moment. I wish I could go back to watching BTS perform ‘Fake Love’ at the BBMA’s live and relish how that was such a big achievement for them at the time. The excitement I felt for my first comeback, and the annoyance at the camerawork because why did we have a better view of the audience than them performing 💀. We’re all growing up and I hate it. But at least I’m legal or else Yoongi and I’s marriage wouldn’t have worked. I wish I could go back to my first BTS concert in Chicago for the Speak Yourself tour. That was the last tour before Covid. MOTS: Persona had just dropped and I remember almost tearing up listening to it on the way to Soldier Field. I couldn’t believe I was actually seeing them. Taehyung had told us they were coming back next year, but then Covid happened. I wish I could go back to when MOTS: 7 dropped, before knowing that this was supposed to be their goodbye album before pausing group activities. I remember listening to it on repeat while walking home from school, excited about it dropping. Not realising what was to come. Or should I say ‘Yet to Come’. That was ******* stupid, ******* ignore that. I wish I could even go back to the Vegas concerts at Allegiant Stadium. I miss the entire atmosphere, and getting to see BTS again. I’m glad I attended both day 3 & day 4. When they showed the comeback trailer, I was excited. They were coming out with a new album, a new comeback. And when I had watched the music video, I felt a bittersweet sadness. All the connections and references to previous music videos just affirmed how much time has passed. Them getting back on the bus felt like their journey is over. And it is, for now. Not Yoongi and I’s marriage though. I always imagined what would have happened if they had disbanded in early 2018, a few months before I became a fan. Would I still have become a fan? I remember feeling heartbreak watching their MAMA speech when Taehyung said they were thinking of not continuing anymore. I realised that they had been carrying that knowledge, unbeknownst to us, for almost a year. The feelings and emotions they were going through, we didn’t know about. The unknowing is what made me feel useless. Obviously I don’t know BTS personally, other than Yoongi of course. But I felt guilt for being happy at a time when they were not. And then it happened again during the Festa dinner. It’s the unknowing aspect of everything that I hate, and this feeling of uselessness. Their contract will be ending soon after they return, and I feel selfish for hoping they renew it. I know I can’t place the burden of my happiness upon them forever. But it hurts knowing we’ll have to let go sometime in the future. I don’t want to let go. I’m glad I get to live in the same time as BTS, and that I got to see them grow. Not only as a group, but as individuals as well. I’m glad my friend introduced me to them, and I’m glad that I decided to watch the ‘Blood, Sweat, and Tears’ music video on a random Saturday morning. I just wanted to know their names, and learn who was who but here I am today. Writing a letter at almost 2 in the morning to myself to receive in 3 years 💀💀. I just wish for them to be happy and healthy. They deserve at least that. **** I just realised that after almost 5 years of being a fan, I can barely speak Korean 💀💀. What the HELL was I doing during that time 😭😭. I’m literally such a procrastinator. It seems like after learning ‘안녕하세요‘, I was content enough with just that 💀. Okay I promise to actually learn Korean this time. Actually I probably shouldn’t make a promise like that 💀. I promise to at least try to learn Korean then 💀. I literally have a 9am class in the morning, what the hell am I doing at almost 2am writing this 😭. But anyways, BTS knows what they’re doing and I just have to trust them. I do trust them. I have to accept the fact I can never go back to those past times, no matter how much I want to. There’s nothing there for me now. I need to instead focus on the here and now. This will also become a distant memory in the future, one I will probably look back on, so I should experience it. Ooh wait, Jin is replying to people on Weverse. Omg bro do you remember when it was called ‘Weply’. Crazy times 💀💀. You will be okay. I hope this letter finds you healthy and happy. You deserve that as well. And don’t think that you don’t. Namjoon will shave your eyebrow. Happy Festa. - 2022 you @ almost 2 in the god**** morning