A letter from Jul 26, 2022

Dear FutureMe, I haven't thought about you in a while and in some ways I think that's normal. The past couple years have been pretty rough and I think I've been really introspective and in a lot of ways, retrospective. For a long time, I was living for you-for the idea of you and that was making me less present and in the now. Until I divorced, I was always looking down the road and thinking about you. But the divorce forced me into the now. Suddenly I had problems I had no idea how to solve. Suddenly I needed to be still with my grieving children. Suddenly looking down the road started making so much less sense because you can spend years, decades building something and it can still break apart. I was lost. I couldn't see you anymore. I couldn't see myself all the way down that road and in some ways I didn't think looking for you was worth it anymore. I'm starting to feel differently now. I'm starting to tap into a new road and I think I'm starting to see it. So, here's what I want, Future Me. I want to get back on track with all of our financial plans. We still need to be debt free to become free. I'm going to start looking back to that version of myself and envisioning how amazing not owing a dime will feel. I want that for you. I want to grow the feeling of "presentness" that I've started to develop with kids. I want to keep learning to be still with them and hang out with them. Stop trying so hard to grow them up and focus more on being with them. I want that for you. I want to change my career trajectory to provide opportunity for living overseas once the girls are all grown up. The divorce taught me that I was making my world way too small in my zeal to raise my family and create safety through structure. I started to remember that I was fun, too and that I like exploring and that I don't really like strong geographic roots. I want to keep doing all of that as I get older and I need to make that space. I want that for you too. Last, I found I good one (I think). He brings out all that good stuff-all the stuff that I missed about myself and he's teaching me stuff that I didn't even know. It's not a fairy tale- he's a person and we are trying to figure out how to join our lines, but it's good and it makes me feel good. I'm still a little shy on what it all means and if I'm able to make good decisions in this part of my life, but I'm gonna pursue this and invest in him. If it's not good, I want to let it go, no hard feelings. If it's good, I want to nurture this and I want him with you in the future when I get there too. Thank you. You've been a guiding light when I needed it and I'm going to start looking for you again. I hope I make you proud, happy and provide you some measure of peace. Love, You, duh.