A letter from Jul 15, 2022

Dear FutureMe, alot has happened, during quarintine you started dissociating, you weren't there, but idk. You lost most of your friends and I'm sure you know that already because I'm writing to the future, but I just need to rant a bit ig idk. I feel like I'm kinda a bad person, I think I am a bad person. I keep dating people I don't like them, and Ik I dont like them. I just love male validation and I like feeling wanted and loved yk, and I never thought that made me a bad person until now, I'm afraid im gonna become a *** addict, idk why but its almost like ik for sure that if i have *** with him then i will become a *** addict. I want to save my first time for someone special that I actually like but idk im an attention ***** so, and i feel like im a bad person bc i havent had *** with him yet but what if im just using him for it bc im a horny *****, i knew i should have broken up with him bc i dont actually love him bc i felt love before and this isnt it but yk i like the attention, i hope i dont hurt him, although i dont think he actually likes me either, he thinks he does but he doesnt. Did i end up having *** with him? How was it? was it scary? Do you regret it? I hope i dont become a *** addict but im pretty sure i will. Also it feels like everyone likes my older sister than they like me, including my friends, im not sure if im gonna be friends with them any much more longer tho, are you still friends with ashlyn and mars? I feel like they were both good friends but idk ever since i stopped being friends with andrew and ebony we arent as close, espeically mars. Ik if you heard that you werent friends with andrew anymore a few years ago you wouldnt believe it bc we used to be so close, but its kinda good that im not friends with him anymore i used to have to make so many excuses for him, i dont need him in my life, we used to have so many good memories together tho. My mental health was so horrible when they cut me off, I was begging them to come back, im happy they didnt tho, i feel like im probibley gonna dsrift away from mars and ashlyn in a good way tho. I kinda miss having a friend group but at the same time i learned to be independent, i shouldnt make me happiness rely on others. Are you still with him? Or friends with him? I feel like i have been such a bad friend to him, i lied to him and told him that andrew said that he was stalking me, i mean she did but i started it, i used to find him annoying i dont anymore tho, i used to call him annoying behind his back and thats the real reason i drifted away from him, so i feel bad, thats actually a lie i dont feel bad idk why i dont but ik i shouldnt do that, so i wont do that again im trying to be a better friend and i think im getting pretty good at it, i was a bad friend i think. Sometimes im unsure wether i even deserve to have friends. Something weird i noticed is i never felt bad before, is that normal? Well i think maybe i did with the avas and ebony situation but othert than that. Also im pretty sure i have bpd, ik u thought it was bipolar disorder but its not. Am i a better person now? I also think i might have short term memory loss but our mom doesnt believe us obviously. When I cut my hair short i cried bc i thought i was ugly, someone told me that, but idc what people think of me anymore so thats good, im still a people pleaser tho so i might not cut my hair that short again, or at least not for awhile. Someone called me a boy, do i look like a boy? And when i heard those girls in my class didnt like me and were talking **** about me i felt like crying, why? Why do i care if someone i barely know doesnt like me? Why do i want everyone to like me? but idgaf about them anymore i hate those *******. I regret sending him those.... They never really showed that they cared about me tho bc my love language is the talking one, and ik andrew never cared about me, idk about ebony but yeah. Thats why i thought they were gonna leave me so then i self sabatoged and they thoight i was lying, not my problem tho ig right? anyways love you, love Dez