A letter from Jul 15, 2022

Dear me in 2025, Today the date is 15th July 2022 - I just finished sixth form in June, went on holiday to Turkey, of course, and now it's summer. I am 18 now, confused about what the future has to hold, about my career, my emotions and if I'll ever find the genuine contentment that I have been longing for. It's hard to imagine where I'll be in 2025, at 21 years old. I don't want to set expectations in this letter, or any kind of goals that should be achieved once I open this letter at 21. I know that it's very hard to predict what the future will hold - it's never in our hands. But 3 years from now, I hope you remember who you are. I've been through a lot and although often misunderstood, I hope I’m still the kindest, warmest and most genuine person. I know at the age of 18 I feel that I’m never understood. Writing this at the age of 18, I’ve put myself through so much just to keep others happy, even if it has compromised my own happiness. I’m wise beyond my years, like everyone who meets me says. I’m emotionally intelligent. I've lived through an entire pandemic, I survived secondary school and sixth form, and I’ve grieved the loss of 3 grandparents now, one of those being nana in particular. That was in 2020 and it really changed me as a person. It’s left a huge hole in my heart that can never recover, and I don’t think anybody will understand how much of a diamond he was. They don’t make people like him nowadays. He was gentle, calm, caring and showed love unconditionally. There isn’t anybody else who could ever replace him. I hope at 21 you continue to hold him close to your heart, pray for him, visit him, and that you have a memory box of his belongings kept safe. The loss of him has taught me to love the people given to you, because one day, Allah will need them back. I’ve been through intense manipulation which I thought was love, unreciprocated love, people who’ve mistaken infatuation for love, the darkest of places, intense stress, the pressure of academic validation, anorexia, a lack of self confidence, but I’m still here, I’m still going. Yet, at 18, after overcoming most of those things, I somehow still currently don’t feel enough. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be enough for anybody in this generation, because people nowadays have different values to those I find important. I’ve never felt understood by anybody I come across. You always feel hopeful when somebody comes into your life, that they’ll be different, but in the end they all turn out to be the same. At this point in my life, I'm feeling a very deep inner longing just for someone to talk to me, appreciate me, and love me. I feel so alone, in every aspect. I give my all to people yet it’s never returned. At the age of 18, I talk to a few people yet I’m not really “close” to them, and it’s been this way my entire life. I have always felt alone and as if there’s nobody on my wavelength. At this age all I want is to find comfort in somebody. Who knows, the guy beginning with “A”, who can’t make his mind up about commitments at this point in life, and the guy “T”, who is too immature to admit any feelings towards me - they may no longer be in my life at 21. In a way, I hope they’re not, because I shouldn’t allow people near me, who leave me questioning why I’m not enough for them to be certain on me. I know somebody out there will also be longing for a girl like me, who loves with her whole heart, unconditionally, loves books, is reserved, shy, loyal, and a hopeless romantic. Don’t ever stress about when they’ll come to you. I hope you’re at a stage where you no longer feel dependent on others for happiness and self assurance. I hope you can find the comfort you need within yourself. Please don’t let people take advantage of your kindness. Right now, I notice one constant phrase “time heals all things”, yet in my case, once I'm healed, something always appears in my life then leaves so suddenly, requiring more healing. I hope you learn to protect yourself and don’t change for anybody. I hope you no longer grow attached to things that aren’t written for you. If something was really meant for you, you wouldn’t have to wish it stayed, it wouldn’t make you sad, and you wouldn’t currently be missing it. Don’t miss the people from your past, if they were meant to stay, they would still be here, and if not, there’s more people to come. Everything turns out this way for a purpose. If something is meant for you, it has already been written and it will come. Hopefully your faith in Allah is a lot stronger at 21, because He is the only one who could never let you down. I hope your faith isn’t put under pressure by worldly activities. Now, to get that part out of the way. Wherever you may be at the age of 21, whether that’s still on your own, or with someone, I hope that they are worthwhile. I know you always search for the best in everybody but I hope you have now learnt to put your own feelings first. If you’re with someone, I hope they’re with you because they genuinely love you for you, and you find peace in them. If you’re not with someone, I hope you always remember your worth and don’t let people take advantage of you. I hope you no longer feel alone like you did at the age of 18. I hope you have people around you who understand and appreciate you. Whether a genuine person comes into your life or not, you have been through too much heartache to let anybody in, just for the sole reason that you long for some company. I hope you are in a place where you can find solitude within yourself - don’t allow somebody to drain you, then leave. You really do deserve the same amount of love, that you give. At 18, I often wish I didn’t love with such passion, such intensity, and also wish I wasn’t as sensitive. But I’m often reminded of the beauty of emotional intelligence and sensitivity to the little things - how can that ever be worse than being insensitive to the things around you. It’ll never be cute to be careless, so love the way you are. You’re made to be this way because it’s a beautiful way to be, and rare, not everybody can feel with so much heart. Don’t ever wish you were like the rest, everybody seems to be becoming the same kind of heartless people nowadays. You don’t deserve to question whether you’re enough, and you should never be in a position where you have to question how much you mean to somebody/ if they want you in their life. If they want you there, they will show it through their actions, regardless of any words they may say. You should never have to explain to someone what the value of having you in their life will be. Whether you find that in this lifetime or not, you will get it one day. Remember your worth and strength always. I feel I have blabbed a lot in this letter, but it’s just because I can’t imagine where I’ll be at 21, or how I’ll feel. Future me, you have always been a dreamer, a romantic, and you will get everything you dream of one day. Please don’t settle for anything less. Perhaps at 21 or later you’ll be in your dream IT job (which I hope you’re actually happy with!), you’ll have met somebody who completes you, and you won’t succumb to society’s expectations of “normal”. Please keep reading and letting your imagination carry on further, because from the age of 18 and under, your imagination and hope was the only thing that kept you going. You are not small or weak, the way you write and understand yourself at the age of 18 and have been doing since the age of 13 is more in-depth, compared to other letters I’ve read on here. At 18 I'm writing wise words about the future and I hope at the age of 21 you will have transcended the level of knowledge I currently hold. Don't settle, never regret things you did, just the things you didn't. Don’t forget the person you wanted to be. Write if you want to write like I did, travel if you want to travel as I did; the world is a book and those who never travel read only 1 page. Don’t leave this life unfulfilled at what you never did and kid yourself that you never had "the opportunity". Life is an opportunity, only small people think they can't achieve what they want to achieve because they're "normal". Nobody on Earth is normal! As long as from the age of 21 onwards, you’re living a life that cannot be classed as mundane, you travel and voyage to new destinations and learn about all the different ways that life can be lived, then the 18 year old version of you would be proud. When you’re reading this at 21, I hope you’re in a place of financial security, inner happiness without depending on others, and in a job you enjoy, instead of one that you feel succumbed to. Whatever happens, I’m proud of how far you’ve come. At the age of 18, I’m questioning how far I’m going to make it, and there have been times where I’ve lost myself and questioned my constant hope for the future, but it seems that’s the only thing we can hold onto in this unpredictable life. Please always appreciate the little things you have, remember your worth. I hope at the age of 21 you feel more comfortable in yourself, you are less shy and self-conscious like 18 year old you currently is. I hope you’ve understood that the beauty inside reflects onto the outside. And only those who deserve it, will notice that. Remember I’ll always be proud of you. Write back when you get this, H.